8/11
Last week was 'Greater Summer Camp' for Cityline Youth, and I believe it exceed most of our expectations. While the majority took place over zoom calls, the evening services were powerful and allowed for many conversation and bonding experiences which we've been missing so desperately from quarantine season. The most significant to me has been getting close to a student named Kylie who hadn't been to church for about a year. She is intelligent and well-spoken, and loves ballet. We connected over our favorite dances - she has an obsession with ballet solos, and gave me a list to watch. I was blessed to have time and an opportunity to speak with her somewhat privately on Thursday and Friday night. God has been gracious to me to have this chance - I felt so full at the end of it, since I truly gave my all to the best leader I could. And I think Caleb noticed this too, which relieves me greatly.
I had work on Friday until 9:30pm, but my GM Amai let me off 30 min early (without me asking to) and I arrived at church just in time for small groups. As I was walking over, Kelley shouted my name and the a few others were visibly excited to see me. I almost cried in that moment! After most people left, I stayed talking with Kylie for a long time. I hope to see her at Middle School group; I invited her to our chat, as she said she'd like to continue being involved.
Lately I've been hanging out with Sean nearly every night, and working about 20-23 hours a week at MOD. I haven't set aside much time for my art, which I am realizing needs a set time frame, like work hours. It's tempting to do everything else, and spend all my spare time with Sean, but I cannot sustain that as having lack of projects leaves me feeling unfulfilled and lazy. When he starts school it will inevitably be different - I can set times when he's busy, or work while he's working. Before then though, I need to solidify some kind of plan. Currently my future is again too kaleidoscopic for me to figure things out, since all my options are spinning before me and seem equally unrealistic. For me to pursue writing freelance, it will take developing my article portfolio. To be hired as a graphic designer, I again would need a more fully-fleshed design portfolio. To be something in a different field, a librarian or a therapist, I'd have to go to school for my Master's degree. Even illustration would require something, particularly if I want to attract editorial work. Jodie & Leena talked with me on Friday, encouraging me to enjoy this young time of opportunities. I can't help but still be confused and often anxious about everything - being young stresses me out. The lipstick smile lady in a stock photo says, "You ought to do -such and such- while you're still new and energetic and good looking! One day you'll run out, then it'll be too late." I guess most people would relate to this, it's a trite fear. Yet I've found clear goals and no one telling me to figure things out already, or pointing to my aimlessness, are the most helpful solutions.
So my main goal. Well, if I consider what I enjoy most, and my most efficient and affordable option, I can narrow it down to developing my illustration portfolio. It is what I studied for, and pursuing it can go hand in hand with writing - likely not right away, but as I establish myself. I need to be more bold. Promoting and selling myself is my weakness. Obviously, I need to believe my work can sell, and is highly valuable, which I commonly doubt.
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