last clue at cat town

7/7

Sean completed the remaining clues on Sunday (7/5) afternoon, besides of course the final step which was that evening, at the park near Kris' house. I was counting the hours all day. He called for help with finding the second to last one, at the church, as it was locked and he couldn't have found it anyway. I asked where he would look for it if it was open, and he said Willoughby recording room or my DJ station. The latter guess was accurate, so I decided to simply send him an image of the clue, which was the link to this website with the newest post hinting at the location & time. 

That day, Nathan & Alyssa were heading out, and our family played dnd from 11:30 to about 2pm. It was fun but of course I was terribly distracted. At 4pm, I met at Cynthia's house for a Sisterhood watch party & movie night. I enjoyed watching service and singing some songs with everyone. It was a full night, most of us were there. Kris came late, and the first thing she told to me was 'We have a lot to catch up on', and she mentioned a scavenger she heard about between Sean and I. Yet because we were in a group setting we couldn't talk much privately. During a karaoke session of Taylor Swift, we sang 'You Belong With Me' and she whispered that this song should be from me to Sean, and I replied that it should also be from her to Caleb. We both cracked up, but I really do hope things become clarified between them soon.

We watched 'Hitch' while playing corn hole and talking, then 'Princess Diaries', and ordered milk tea. By 9:30pm everyone was ready to go home, which was perfect, since I was meeting with him at 10pm. Kris asked where I was going and I said home, but winked. She smiled and attempted a wink back. Driving over, I had an awkward moment; all three of us - Kris, Sean, & I - synced up at a traffic light. I felt strange about him seeing me, so I made a turn and went a back way. Honestly I'd hope to be there before him, but I guess I was set to be more like Aomame here. (I had planned it, after all)

Parking my car a ways from the playground, I walked for a few minutes in the low light of the park lamps and the full moon, whispering to myself anxiously. I saw his silhouette but continued to keep the same pace. We sat on a bench table and talked for a bit about the puzzle, and I showed him the artist book I based on the first scavenger hunt I'd made. He understood how to open it fairly easily. I'd brought it as a possible diversion in case he sensed he wanted a different conclusion than talking with me, but I realized he just wanted to be there. We moved up to the slide, to see if we could view the moon. At first the trees were in the way, but as it got later, the moon rose higher and into a clear area. He asked why I wanted to recreate the scene on the slide from 1Q84, and I still hadn't confessed yet, so I said some other true things; the poetry and powerful imagery of the setting, where he first realizes he's in another world, the cat town. I struggled to lead into the main reason, until he said something about emotional clarification, and I asked if he needed me to be clear about how I felt. He said no, then asked if I did. I said yes, and he confessed he liked me back. We stayed up there, marveling at each other and opening up the history of how we'd felt and what our family would think. I learned about his brothers and odd mix of a family and him being the most well adjusted.

I was growing cold up on the playground, so we moved into my car and played some music while continuing our conversation. We discussed the puzzle some more, concerning my blog and my list website. We decided to have a picnic, one of my list items, the next day. Then he asked to kiss me and we did. I didn't feel too nervous and it was a perfect length for a first kiss. 

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wind-up puzzle

7/1

Feeling like I'm going slightly insane. It's almost 1:30 am and I'm wide awake. I've been developing a puzzle for Sean to solve, and I hope I haven't gotten carried away. It's been super fun to plan out, and now all I have to do is set everything in place and hope for the best. When I'm around him I am certain there's a growing connection between us. Lately we've been discussing Murakami a lot, as he's actually been reading Wind-Up Bird and enjoying it. 

7/3

I cannot seem to approach emotions and people in a more reasonable, less movie-character-like manner. The whole puzzle is arranged, and today has been almost painful with my nerves and hormones knotting up. As I had predicted, I couldn't sleep so well past 6am, and finally got up at 8am since I needed to place 3 more clues. I'd waited to place the one at Cerritos mall for a less busy time. I was still nervous to tape the clue (on a city electrical box) but set my mind to auto and acted confident. I walked out, stuck it on, then walked back and drove away, fairly certain no one noticed. My next clue belonged at Gridley park, in a tree stump near the Geocache waypoint we didn't find anything at. This was easy enough - I had to wait at a bench for a minute or two until a guy and his dog moved to a different area. And finally, I placed the letter on Sean's doorstep, next to a small flyer. As I drove home I told myself aloud 'It's done.' I have been experiencing waves of feeling crazy, some mixed with joy, some mixed with fear. 

By 12p.m., he texted me about whether he was on track with solving the first clue. He wasn't, so I helped a bit. He'd check it that night since he had work that afternoon. All day I anticipated the end of his shift for more of his questions. I wished I could be there and do it too, or at least talk to him more, but we were both very busy today. I baked two cakes, exercised, had a Colonial-style dinner, and watched Hamilton. After his shift ended at 8p.m., he called me while he searched at Gridley Park and struggled to find it. I guided him to focus on 'stumped' and the area we'd been stuck. Then I was watching Hamilton and didn't text or call until intermission. My mom was getting concerned - I explained my disappearance this morning as confidential, puzzle-related, and I didn't plan to tell anyone (other than Kay) about it yet. I did end up telling Lydia while watching her play animal crossing. I trusted she wouldn't talk about it. 

He discovered the little paper clue, and solved it on his own. Yet it was already late, and has an early shift tomorrow, so he didn't do any further solving. 

I hope he has time to solve it all before Sunday. I hope it isn't too much. I hope it's not all in my head. I hope it's real. I hope I may calm down and sleep well. I hope God will intervene or is intervening.

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send-off, until 2a.m.

6/24 (still catching up)

On Tuesday (6/23), Leena, Kris, & I planned to go around dropping off care packages for students who are moving up from middle school. There are only three girls - Tally, Shannon, and Celeste - so we got them Starbucks and flowers too. I arrived at church around 1pm, with my laptop since we figured we'd stick around and host youth group while there. 

We visited Tally first, and received a house tour, including of Tally's room. She truly loves stuffed animals, and any colorful collectible toy. Kris was being funny and squealing in excitement over each hatchimal. Then we stopped by Shannon's briefly, and finally Celeste's. Leena left to the house she's sitting currently while Kris and I went to Starbucks for a drink. I didn't feel like getting anything but I just wanted to chill with her. We walked around Vons for a bit, staring at the ice cream & popsicles, and talked about my role as a leader. She's been encouraging me to be more involved and use my voice. I suggested possibly hosting a game, and regretted it, but it would be a healthy step outside my comfort zone. (and something to cross off my list) This Saturday we planned to better me with some helpful leadership videos, which I'm excited to learn from.

During our youth call, we (Kris, Caleb, Sean, & I) all took different rooms at church. It was an emotional evening, since it was send-off night, and many compliments were being given and tears shed. Even I got teary-eyed, thinking about Tally. She'd been a real friend to me at youth, and I'll definitely try to keep our friendship going. Kris made a video of each of the leaders giving encouragements and reminiscing, and I cringed at mine, but it was a wonderful video. Leena & I shared the same fond memory - when the girls were belting out 'Let it Go.'

Afterwards, us four wanted dinner, so Caleb assigned me to decide between Lazy Dog, Wendy's, or Cane's. I said Cane's since it came first to mind. The line there was super long, as it always is, especially now, so I stopped by Target first to use the restroom before waiting. But it took awhile, so I figured I could hop in with Kris if she wasn't too far, and called her. Caleb had already joined her car, so she suggested I join Sean. It was easy enough to find him. I walked straight across the front, waved at him, and jumped into his passenger side without asking. Of course he joked that I was a certified line-cheater, but I didn't mind. He had me drive a bit while he got to use the restroom, and the whole experience felt weird but like I finally was expressing myself. At first we sat outside Mimi's, but a cop came by and kicked us out, so we returned to the Wendy's spot from last week. I regretted not bringing my jacket, but Kris had a blanket. I also regretted ordering diet coke, since it ruined my sleep later. Our meal conversation was not as energetic as before, as we were all tired and a bit sad from the day. Then we parted in the same pairs, back to Cane's parking lot, and Sean & I made a wish at 11:11pm. He parked next to my car, then we started talking about various things. The subject led to my parents, my issue with assertiveness, and family dynamics again. He listened intently and asked questions to lead me on. I was able to ask him for his view on emotions, which I'd been wanting to. Maybe about an hour later, we began talking about 1Q84, since I told him I mostly read instead of watching TV. He got super excited about the plot, and we formed a theory about the worlds: 

Aomame and Tengo could've been in the same world until holding hands, then Tengo split off into 1Q84/Cat town. Aomame enters 1Q84 through the stairway, finds Tengo, then they exit together, but now to a different world. 

I also brought up Wind-Up Bird, and we debated how they could be of the same universe, a part of the same cycle. He's invested in borrowing them so he can further understand the plot - I made sure to warn him of the erotic scenes. I hope he enjoys it anyway. We'll see how much he reads, they are both long, 1Q84 is a brick. By the time it was 2am we decided to call it a night, though I was hardly sleepy. He texted later saying how nice it was, which I found kind. I just hope it wasn't a signal of warning, like - 'hey, this is nice, don't get your hopes up though.' I don't know.

As I said, I couldn't get much sleep due to caffeine, and from our energizing discussion. I showered and got in bed at 3am, but slept perhaps a few hours, until 6am, after which I went in and out of sleep until quitting at 7:30am. 

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3 old entries, new world

old entry:

6/8

When will I write my story? I'm young, but not too young to write a good story, I think (hope). Esse has lost its color to me; it's no longer as enigmatic and full of possibilities as before. I've tried writing some again, but it's discouraging and slow going. I'm like Sumire, pre-tornado, but lost in a dream. Does that mean I have no love? Maybe, what does flow from me are dream-like scenes, with no grounding or leads to anywhere else. It's frustrating and I'm beginning to believe I am no novel fiction writer.

2020 is my 1Q84 but I am not Tengo, or Aomame, or Eriko, or Ayumi. I'm a young adult girl who lives at home, reads Murakami, helps at middle school youth ministry, and soon will teach art over the internet. I stay at home most of the time due to the pandemic, stay healthy by doing online workout videos, and eat oatmeal twice a day. My voice echoes in my head as if there is another one, a narrator of my life. Every morning, I read a chapter of the bible and pray - giving praise first, then confession, then requests, then thanks. I forget plans easily, as I'd honestly rather not have any. 

Outside of me is so much, I cannot express how little I know. If I see a path I like, I'll likely stick to it, unless overpowering curiosity takes me.

Now if I can just be curious enough to let myself find a story - in or outside.

kinda old:

6/18

It's been an unexpectedly good day. Noting it's been 6 months since my break up, I haven't been missing ex much lately. Only in occasional times of loneliness I imagine his presence, but not in a romantic way. It's more melancholic and haunting. 

I haven't been able to sleep properly for the past 2 nights - partly due to job hunting, but I'm sure it's mainly because I practically asked Sean on a date. Though I didn't frame it as such. I tried to follow along the lines of him owing me, and figured I could also say we never ended up doing our road trip to San Jose. Originally, we planned to meet up on Wednesday night, but that afternoon he said he got called in for the closing shift. Honestly, I felt hurt and frustrated, since I assumed it was a sign of his indifference, and it triggered me to relive feelings of rejection. I found myself crying and feeling worse, since I'd already been feeling anxious-nauseous that day. In the midst of it, I decided to call Kris, and I'm super glad I did. She helped me realize how I'd already established unrealistic and confining expectations, and she related as well. My anxieties and memories are so entwined, it's hard for me to trust others and myself. But after speaking with her, and rescheduling with Sean, I brightened up.

The nausea stayed through the night and spread throughout my day, yet I can't complain too much. I was very worried about joining my mom's hiking plans, since I was concerned to be out long, but there simply wasn't enough car space in the end so I stayed home contentedly. 

Dad needed help with adding shingles to the sides of the shed, so I worked with him for an hour or so, until heading out to meet Sean at Ding tea. He sent me the location to one in Cerritos, which turned out to not be the one he was at, but he drove over to me. After ordering our drinks, we talked in the front for a short time, then he suggested we go geocaching nearby. 

We searched everywhere, but could only solve the first clue. It was named 'pork chop on toast', which I unscrambled to 'notch on park post'. We used google translate for a clue in Russian, giving us 'nail'. We found the notch and the nail under it, with what looked like a tiny drawing etched on the surface. We must have inspected the whole park. Yet it was nowhere - we even checked every lamppost. Meanwhile, I was just enjoying walking around on some ridiculous mission with him. He seemed more impatient and stubborn about finding it, but I didn't mind much. I felt calm and confident, and kind of boyish. I was wearing my guys' tee and jeans, too. I wonder if he sees me as a 'bro', or if he just likes saying that? I kind of like being called that though for some reason. 

getting there:

6/21

The world has felt slightly different since Wednesday. I think I may have unknowingly crossed into a new one (not sure what portal I took - perhaps the Wendy's drive thru on Tuesday? Or maybe when I showered with my clothes on?) and my stomach as been acting as though everything has reversed its rotation. Like a washing machine suddenly changing directions.

I couldn't distinguish whether it was the same queasiness as days previous or just result of the beer I drank last night, but I am not adjusted.

The party yesterday was never dull. When I first arrived and settled in, my nerves were still on edge, but I enjoyed eating shrimp and talking with the leaders. Caleb said he'd gone to the beach that afternoon and I noticed him glance at Kris, who smiled, so I deduced she'd decided to go with him. I got into playing taboo, and other games. Even beer pong. Sean said he wasn't going to make it, which I think allowed me to focus on simply having fun and being present. I drank 2 beers and became quite hyper, running around and chatting. We all walked to a nearby bridge, and a ledge before it with a telescope and railing that reminded me of Titanic. Kris needed to use the restroom, so she ran back to her house and I followed behind. There was no one else around and it was about 12 am. As I sped down the tidy back street, I became convinced it was proof I'd entered another world. Anyone seeing me would think the scene odd - a barefoot girl booking it at midnight, yet not in any apparent distress or rush.

I told Kris I wish Sean was there, so she decided to call him, as his shift ended at 11:30pm, and tried to convince him to come over. Her and Caleb guilt tripped him for some time. To my surprise, he did stop by. And despite my wishing, I only temporarily felt excited and glad. We played beer pong, and rage cage, and he seemed to be guiding me through it. Then we strolled over to a nearby playground and I hit a wall inside me. I didn't know what to say and I felt suddenly very isolated. Besides Kris, they do not really know me, my intensity and overwhelming emotions, my subtle meaning in everything I do, my poetic frame of mind. I became discouraged by the seeming passiveness and lack of concern from Sean. I granted, he was likely tired, yet it still could be all in my head. I could be wrong about everything, and perhaps should start getting over him. 

Now I'm tired. To sum up, I stayed at Kris' until 4:30 am to get sober, then watched 'A Walk to Remember' until 7am, crying myself sleepy, eating ice cream. I woke at 11am, thankfully with no hangover. 

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8.

2Q20

I'm going to pretend I'm Tengo at Gardner park.

I've wanted to recreate this scene since the moment I read it. I know it won't really be the same, but it's worth a try.

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