a picture across the room

 9/7

what about the future?
I'm only throwing flaming arrows into it every day
what will you call me then
when we're growing shadows between our names?
I love it when you find me under my stray hairs
my office glowing with anxious flames
Your soul gently pours
I can't burn anything so I drown and pray

Being a mother does not often seem that great to me, since I come from a lineage of misunderstood & difficult mothers. I often worry that I would simply be continuing this pattern, and thus could benefit everyone by simply not having kids. Would I be able to give my children the affection they deserve and need? Distance and high standards are my not-so-healthy habits of mind which could make my hypothetical children feel alone and judged. 

Yesterday, church was cancelled due to the heat, and I had time to make dinner for my family and afterwards hangout with Sean. I wasn't sure of coming over, since the day hadn't been used fully according to my productivity sense, but I really wanted to eat ice cream and draw a little. I stopped by Vons to buy birthday cake healthy ice cream. Over a couple episodes of Weeds (my new favorite tv show) Sean worked on a chart for homework and I laid back and ate nearly the entire pint. For awhile I drew mindlessly; just repeats of things I've drawn before. Somehow we got on the topic of being called mom or dad, and I admitted I felt a bit uneasy about being called mom, leading to my fears of parenting and my embedded insecurities. He reminded me that I put very high standards upon myself, and to try to view myself how God and others see me. He's convinced I'm an empathetic, caring, thoughtful person, which I am still in the process of internalizing. I can be very empathetic, too much so, and carry a burden of emotional responsibility. So I understand that. Also, I do care about people and various matters deeply - I place importance on many things which is why I take so long to make decisions. Yet I struggle over the reality that I am selfish at my core - if I do anything which appears to help someone, underneath it is a selfish motive. The benefits, as Jesus says in Matthew 6, really needn't be dwelled on anyways, since I have no reason to take credit for how I have helped. So how can I accept my selfishness and believe in my goodness? Is it even godly to see myself as good? Is there a fine line between self acceptance and prideful ignorance? Maybe they are more like two near-identical pictures on different sides of the room. Regardless, I know I need to accept God's love to see myself as I'm meant to be. 

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2nd full moon, fears

9/2

It was the full moon yesterday meaning the 2 month anniversary of Sean & I dating. We both cherish moon phases much more now, because of 1Q84 and my timing of our beginning. Though he didn't realize til I pointed it out, we had the whole afternoon to evening to enjoy it as a special day.

My therapy appointment was at 10am (which I will circle back to) then I met on a short video call with Cat about our projects, before my workout and a quick shower. I plan to visit San Diego, Oak Glen, and Santa Barbara with Sean sometime, but I figured we should choose a day when we have a morning start, so I chose Laguna Beach, with an idea of visiting Downtown Disney afterwards. We drove directly to 'Taco Loco', a place near the beach I knew Sean would enjoy. As we ate and talked, my previous memory there with Waky pained me slightly, but it faded and I felt no reason to dwell on it. We left to find a path to the water, which I did, and I soon regretted not wearing swim bottoms. For some reason I'd decided to no consider it as I got ready - probably due to having to shave which generally takes me awhile. But I was grateful for the shore anyway. Laying on his towel I sunbathed a little while Sean swam. He came back, dripping wet, and hugged me, rubbing his hair on my shirt like I was his towel, and I couldn't stop giggling. We discovered that Downtown Disney closes at 8pm, so we left early to arrive at 6pm. Apparently everyone else had the same idea - a devastatingly long line of cars were backed out the parking lot entrance. We set aside Disney plans for an earlier afternoon, and headed to a Korean restaurant in Cerritos for dinner. 

During my therapy session, we went over some questions she gave me to think about last week. It is an in depth questionnaire on my vacillator love style, how it formed in my life and how it's affecting me.

Sometimes I hate being similar to this type. It's the most confusing, confused, and annoying. It's so contradictory and everything makes me disappointed. I also find it hypocritical - while we so desperately want connection, and are distraught by those who don't give it, we do the same distancing and mistrusting as those who inhibit connection. There's got to be some good reason God formed me this way though. All I can see is how it's been with my family - my anger & distance - and how it could be with Sean. My mind has been extrapolating to the future, causing me anxiety about all my relationships, even with God. One of my greatest fears is allowing myself to be swallowed up in a life that isn't God-focused. That I become mundane and forget the miracle of God's love. Isolated and trapped in my own understanding. (as an internal processor, this has happened many times) I need God's presence, and a Christian community to get out of my head which is on constant re-loop of anxieties and fears - despite current stability and blessings. 

I had a minor wave of something in the bathroom at MOD as a mopped the floor. I just sobbed loudly for a minute, then continued mopping. Kris told me about her recent fights with her family, and her decision to move out. I'm grieved but glad she has begun a new chapter of her life away from her emotionally abusive family. She's one of the strongest people I know. She reminded me to try my hardest to mend things if possible, since she knows from experience how her own efforts, while not resulting in the connection or at least reconciliation she desired, allows her to feel free. 

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being 23

 8/16 (really 8/17)

Some people at MOD thought I was turning 24, or already 24. A couple of them guessed I was older than my age, which is quite rare. I wonder what they see as mature about me. My hope is that my words and manner are wise - but if that's so, it's not anything I take full credit for. I'm quite a weird dork sometimes and other times I can rant about my opinions and beliefs. Dawnte was expressing his desire for wealth, and of course I offered that rich people are not ever satisfied. He basically disagreed, so I decided to explain my points and source. I'd read Ecclesiastes that morning, on the chapter about wealth, so I summarized it to him. Eventually Shabar showed up and we broke off our conversation. 

8/20

While I am officially 23, I feel as though I've been this age for a few months, as if I aged the same time as Sean. There is little significance to the age in general, according to society and the lack of attention drawn towards it, yet I do know a song by 'Free Cake For Every Creature', called 'All You Have To Be When You're 23 is Yourself.' By satisfying coincidence, it came up on my radio playlist as I drove down del amo on my b-day eve. 

I intended to sleep in, but couldn't sleep deeply past 9am, then grandma Kay called anyways. She sang as usual, then we chatted and caught up for about an hour. Due to trying to keep my relationship out of most conversations, and being busy with it as well as work, I'd forgotten to call her earlier and inform her about it all. It must have been at a peak of uncertainty for me when I spoke to her last - just before the 4th of July, so it makes some sense. After our call, I skipped breakfast and did a hiit workout. I took a short rinse, put noticeable effort into my makeup, and slipped on my yellow strappy dress. It felt a little fancier than I'd anticipated, but Sean arrived to pick me up and insisted that I don't need to change. Just in case, I grabbed a flannel shirt to add a casual look, but it was oppressively hot so I didn't end up wearing it. We set out for brunch at a place in Belmont Shore called 'Saint & Second', which I've been curious about due to its popularity. Yet when we sat down with our menus, they were only serving lunch; the server said they only offered brunch on weekends. We decided upon a place about 7 minutes away, 'The Coffee Cup'. With diner-style food and plain tables, it was definitely more casual, which we agreed was actually better for brunch anyways. Both of us ordered pancakes and coffee, and discussed whether Catholics are Christians. It was fresh and cheap and filling; we dusted off practically our whole plates, and got free refills on coffee. Then we chose Seal Beach as our next location, to relax a little while, getting the edges of our clothes wet by walking in the waves. We had to go soon, since we were going to Meet Fresh with my family before his work that afternoon. Sean says the dessert there tastes like air, and my parents aren't accustomed to their taste or texture, so it was only Lydia and I who ordered, while they picked up Sharetea next door. When Sean left, I joined my family in the car to eat and open my presents.

It was still boiling outside, and we were all together for once, so we decided to walk around Target, Sean's location, as a family outing. My dad irritated me greatly. He wouldn't wear his mask properly, kept going off from us to listen to his newest audio book, and very disrespectfully pointed out a homeless, likely mentally troubled, person on the street. This put me in an off mood, yet work diverted my attention for the rest of the night. And, Siena & Manuel surprised me with cupcakes as we were closing, which brightened me up. After work I hung out with Sean some more, though we were both nearly spent, just laying there talking. 

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a practical post about goals

8/11

Last week was 'Greater Summer Camp' for Cityline Youth, and I believe it exceed most of our expectations. While the majority took place over zoom calls, the evening services were powerful and allowed for many conversation and bonding experiences which we've been missing so desperately from quarantine season. The most significant to me has been getting close to a student named Kylie who hadn't been to church for about a year. She is intelligent and well-spoken, and loves ballet. We connected over our favorite dances - she has an obsession with ballet solos, and gave me a list to watch. I was blessed to have time and an opportunity to speak with her somewhat privately on Thursday and Friday night. God has been gracious to me to have this chance - I felt so full at the end of it, since I truly gave my all to the best leader I could. And I think Caleb noticed this too, which relieves me greatly. 

I had work on Friday until 9:30pm, but my GM Amai let me off 30 min early (without me asking to) and I arrived at church just in time for small groups. As I was walking over, Kelley shouted my name and the a few others were visibly excited to see me. I almost cried in that moment! After most people left, I stayed talking with Kylie for a long time. I hope to see her at Middle School group; I invited her to our chat, as she said she'd like to continue being involved. 

Lately I've been hanging out with Sean nearly every night, and working about 20-23 hours a week at MOD. I haven't set aside much time for my art, which I am realizing needs a set time frame, like work hours. It's tempting to do everything else, and spend all my spare time with Sean, but I cannot sustain that as having lack of projects leaves me feeling unfulfilled and lazy. When he starts school it will inevitably be different - I can set times when he's busy, or work while he's working. Before then though, I need to solidify some kind of plan. Currently my future is again too kaleidoscopic for me to figure things out, since all my options are spinning before me and seem equally unrealistic. For me to pursue writing freelance, it will take developing my article portfolio. To be hired as a graphic designer, I again would need a more fully-fleshed design portfolio. To be something in a different field, a librarian or a therapist, I'd have to go to school for my Master's degree. Even illustration would require something, particularly if I want to attract editorial work. Jodie & Leena talked with me on Friday, encouraging me to enjoy this young time of opportunities. I can't help but still be confused and often anxious about everything - being young stresses me out. The lipstick smile lady in a stock photo says, "You ought to do -such and such- while you're still new and energetic and good looking! One day you'll run out, then it'll be too late." I guess most people would relate to this, it's a trite fear. Yet I've found clear goals and no one telling me to figure things out already, or pointing to my aimlessness, are the most helpful solutions. 

So my main goal. Well, if I consider what I enjoy most, and my most efficient and affordable option, I can narrow it down to developing my illustration portfolio. It is what I studied for, and pursuing it can go hand in hand with writing - likely not right away, but as I establish myself. I need to be more bold. Promoting and selling myself is my weakness. Obviously, I need to believe my work can sell, and is highly valuable, which I commonly doubt.

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last clue at cat town

7/7

Sean completed the remaining clues on Sunday (7/5) afternoon, besides of course the final step which was that evening, at the park near Kris' house. I was counting the hours all day. He called for help with finding the second to last one, at the church, as it was locked and he couldn't have found it anyway. I asked where he would look for it if it was open, and he said Willoughby recording room or my DJ station. The latter guess was accurate, so I decided to simply send him an image of the clue, which was the link to this website with the newest post hinting at the location & time. 

That day, Nathan & Alyssa were heading out, and our family played dnd from 11:30 to about 2pm. It was fun but of course I was terribly distracted. At 4pm, I met at Cynthia's house for a Sisterhood watch party & movie night. I enjoyed watching service and singing some songs with everyone. It was a full night, most of us were there. Kris came late, and the first thing she told to me was 'We have a lot to catch up on', and she mentioned a scavenger she heard about between Sean and I. Yet because we were in a group setting we couldn't talk much privately. During a karaoke session of Taylor Swift, we sang 'You Belong With Me' and she whispered that this song should be from me to Sean, and I replied that it should also be from her to Caleb. We both cracked up, but I really do hope things become clarified between them soon.

We watched 'Hitch' while playing corn hole and talking, then 'Princess Diaries', and ordered milk tea. By 9:30pm everyone was ready to go home, which was perfect, since I was meeting with him at 10pm. Kris asked where I was going and I said home, but winked. She smiled and attempted a wink back. Driving over, I had an awkward moment; all three of us - Kris, Sean, & I - synced up at a traffic light. I felt strange about him seeing me, so I made a turn and went a back way. Honestly I'd hope to be there before him, but I guess I was set to be more like Aomame here. (I had planned it, after all)

Parking my car a ways from the playground, I walked for a few minutes in the low light of the park lamps and the full moon, whispering to myself anxiously. I saw his silhouette but continued to keep the same pace. We sat on a bench table and talked for a bit about the puzzle, and I showed him the artist book I based on the first scavenger hunt I'd made. He understood how to open it fairly easily. I'd brought it as a possible diversion in case he sensed he wanted a different conclusion than talking with me, but I realized he just wanted to be there. We moved up to the slide, to see if we could view the moon. At first the trees were in the way, but as it got later, the moon rose higher and into a clear area. He asked why I wanted to recreate the scene on the slide from 1Q84, and I still hadn't confessed yet, so I said some other true things; the poetry and powerful imagery of the setting, where he first realizes he's in another world, the cat town. I struggled to lead into the main reason, until he said something about emotional clarification, and I asked if he needed me to be clear about how I felt. He said no, then asked if I did. I said yes, and he confessed he liked me back. We stayed up there, marveling at each other and opening up the history of how we'd felt and what our family would think. I learned about his brothers and odd mix of a family and him being the most well adjusted.

I was growing cold up on the playground, so we moved into my car and played some music while continuing our conversation. We discussed the puzzle some more, concerning my blog and my list website. We decided to have a picnic, one of my list items, the next day. Then he asked to kiss me and we did. I didn't feel too nervous and it was a perfect length for a first kiss. 

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wind-up puzzle

7/1

Feeling like I'm going slightly insane. It's almost 1:30 am and I'm wide awake. I've been developing a puzzle for Sean to solve, and I hope I haven't gotten carried away. It's been super fun to plan out, and now all I have to do is set everything in place and hope for the best. When I'm around him I am certain there's a growing connection between us. Lately we've been discussing Murakami a lot, as he's actually been reading Wind-Up Bird and enjoying it. 

7/3

I cannot seem to approach emotions and people in a more reasonable, less movie-character-like manner. The whole puzzle is arranged, and today has been almost painful with my nerves and hormones knotting up. As I had predicted, I couldn't sleep so well past 6am, and finally got up at 8am since I needed to place 3 more clues. I'd waited to place the one at Cerritos mall for a less busy time. I was still nervous to tape the clue (on a city electrical box) but set my mind to auto and acted confident. I walked out, stuck it on, then walked back and drove away, fairly certain no one noticed. My next clue belonged at Gridley park, in a tree stump near the Geocache waypoint we didn't find anything at. This was easy enough - I had to wait at a bench for a minute or two until a guy and his dog moved to a different area. And finally, I placed the letter on Sean's doorstep, next to a small flyer. As I drove home I told myself aloud 'It's done.' I have been experiencing waves of feeling crazy, some mixed with joy, some mixed with fear. 

By 12p.m., he texted me about whether he was on track with solving the first clue. He wasn't, so I helped a bit. He'd check it that night since he had work that afternoon. All day I anticipated the end of his shift for more of his questions. I wished I could be there and do it too, or at least talk to him more, but we were both very busy today. I baked two cakes, exercised, had a Colonial-style dinner, and watched Hamilton. After his shift ended at 8p.m., he called me while he searched at Gridley Park and struggled to find it. I guided him to focus on 'stumped' and the area we'd been stuck. Then I was watching Hamilton and didn't text or call until intermission. My mom was getting concerned - I explained my disappearance this morning as confidential, puzzle-related, and I didn't plan to tell anyone (other than Kay) about it yet. I did end up telling Lydia while watching her play animal crossing. I trusted she wouldn't talk about it. 

He discovered the little paper clue, and solved it on his own. Yet it was already late, and has an early shift tomorrow, so he didn't do any further solving. 

I hope he has time to solve it all before Sunday. I hope it isn't too much. I hope it's not all in my head. I hope it's real. I hope I may calm down and sleep well. I hope God will intervene or is intervening.

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send-off, until 2a.m.

6/24 (still catching up)

On Tuesday (6/23), Leena, Kris, & I planned to go around dropping off care packages for students who are moving up from middle school. There are only three girls - Tally, Shannon, and Celeste - so we got them Starbucks and flowers too. I arrived at church around 1pm, with my laptop since we figured we'd stick around and host youth group while there. 

We visited Tally first, and received a house tour, including of Tally's room. She truly loves stuffed animals, and any colorful collectible toy. Kris was being funny and squealing in excitement over each hatchimal. Then we stopped by Shannon's briefly, and finally Celeste's. Leena left to the house she's sitting currently while Kris and I went to Starbucks for a drink. I didn't feel like getting anything but I just wanted to chill with her. We walked around Vons for a bit, staring at the ice cream & popsicles, and talked about my role as a leader. She's been encouraging me to be more involved and use my voice. I suggested possibly hosting a game, and regretted it, but it would be a healthy step outside my comfort zone. (and something to cross off my list) This Saturday we planned to better me with some helpful leadership videos, which I'm excited to learn from.

During our youth call, we (Kris, Caleb, Sean, & I) all took different rooms at church. It was an emotional evening, since it was send-off night, and many compliments were being given and tears shed. Even I got teary-eyed, thinking about Tally. She'd been a real friend to me at youth, and I'll definitely try to keep our friendship going. Kris made a video of each of the leaders giving encouragements and reminiscing, and I cringed at mine, but it was a wonderful video. Leena & I shared the same fond memory - when the girls were belting out 'Let it Go.'

Afterwards, us four wanted dinner, so Caleb assigned me to decide between Lazy Dog, Wendy's, or Cane's. I said Cane's since it came first to mind. The line there was super long, as it always is, especially now, so I stopped by Target first to use the restroom before waiting. But it took awhile, so I figured I could hop in with Kris if she wasn't too far, and called her. Caleb had already joined her car, so she suggested I join Sean. It was easy enough to find him. I walked straight across the front, waved at him, and jumped into his passenger side without asking. Of course he joked that I was a certified line-cheater, but I didn't mind. He had me drive a bit while he got to use the restroom, and the whole experience felt weird but like I finally was expressing myself. At first we sat outside Mimi's, but a cop came by and kicked us out, so we returned to the Wendy's spot from last week. I regretted not bringing my jacket, but Kris had a blanket. I also regretted ordering diet coke, since it ruined my sleep later. Our meal conversation was not as energetic as before, as we were all tired and a bit sad from the day. Then we parted in the same pairs, back to Cane's parking lot, and Sean & I made a wish at 11:11pm. He parked next to my car, then we started talking about various things. The subject led to my parents, my issue with assertiveness, and family dynamics again. He listened intently and asked questions to lead me on. I was able to ask him for his view on emotions, which I'd been wanting to. Maybe about an hour later, we began talking about 1Q84, since I told him I mostly read instead of watching TV. He got super excited about the plot, and we formed a theory about the worlds: 

Aomame and Tengo could've been in the same world until holding hands, then Tengo split off into 1Q84/Cat town. Aomame enters 1Q84 through the stairway, finds Tengo, then they exit together, but now to a different world. 

I also brought up Wind-Up Bird, and we debated how they could be of the same universe, a part of the same cycle. He's invested in borrowing them so he can further understand the plot - I made sure to warn him of the erotic scenes. I hope he enjoys it anyway. We'll see how much he reads, they are both long, 1Q84 is a brick. By the time it was 2am we decided to call it a night, though I was hardly sleepy. He texted later saying how nice it was, which I found kind. I just hope it wasn't a signal of warning, like - 'hey, this is nice, don't get your hopes up though.' I don't know.

As I said, I couldn't get much sleep due to caffeine, and from our energizing discussion. I showered and got in bed at 3am, but slept perhaps a few hours, until 6am, after which I went in and out of sleep until quitting at 7:30am. 

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3 old entries, new world

old entry:

6/8

When will I write my story? I'm young, but not too young to write a good story, I think (hope). Esse has lost its color to me; it's no longer as enigmatic and full of possibilities as before. I've tried writing some again, but it's discouraging and slow going. I'm like Sumire, pre-tornado, but lost in a dream. Does that mean I have no love? Maybe, what does flow from me are dream-like scenes, with no grounding or leads to anywhere else. It's frustrating and I'm beginning to believe I am no novel fiction writer.

2020 is my 1Q84 but I am not Tengo, or Aomame, or Eriko, or Ayumi. I'm a young adult girl who lives at home, reads Murakami, helps at middle school youth ministry, and soon will teach art over the internet. I stay at home most of the time due to the pandemic, stay healthy by doing online workout videos, and eat oatmeal twice a day. My voice echoes in my head as if there is another one, a narrator of my life. Every morning, I read a chapter of the bible and pray - giving praise first, then confession, then requests, then thanks. I forget plans easily, as I'd honestly rather not have any. 

Outside of me is so much, I cannot express how little I know. If I see a path I like, I'll likely stick to it, unless overpowering curiosity takes me.

Now if I can just be curious enough to let myself find a story - in or outside.

kinda old:

6/18

It's been an unexpectedly good day. Noting it's been 6 months since my break up, I haven't been missing ex much lately. Only in occasional times of loneliness I imagine his presence, but not in a romantic way. It's more melancholic and haunting. 

I haven't been able to sleep properly for the past 2 nights - partly due to job hunting, but I'm sure it's mainly because I practically asked Sean on a date. Though I didn't frame it as such. I tried to follow along the lines of him owing me, and figured I could also say we never ended up doing our road trip to San Jose. Originally, we planned to meet up on Wednesday night, but that afternoon he said he got called in for the closing shift. Honestly, I felt hurt and frustrated, since I assumed it was a sign of his indifference, and it triggered me to relive feelings of rejection. I found myself crying and feeling worse, since I'd already been feeling anxious-nauseous that day. In the midst of it, I decided to call Kris, and I'm super glad I did. She helped me realize how I'd already established unrealistic and confining expectations, and she related as well. My anxieties and memories are so entwined, it's hard for me to trust others and myself. But after speaking with her, and rescheduling with Sean, I brightened up.

The nausea stayed through the night and spread throughout my day, yet I can't complain too much. I was very worried about joining my mom's hiking plans, since I was concerned to be out long, but there simply wasn't enough car space in the end so I stayed home contentedly. 

Dad needed help with adding shingles to the sides of the shed, so I worked with him for an hour or so, until heading out to meet Sean at Ding tea. He sent me the location to one in Cerritos, which turned out to not be the one he was at, but he drove over to me. After ordering our drinks, we talked in the front for a short time, then he suggested we go geocaching nearby. 

We searched everywhere, but could only solve the first clue. It was named 'pork chop on toast', which I unscrambled to 'notch on park post'. We used google translate for a clue in Russian, giving us 'nail'. We found the notch and the nail under it, with what looked like a tiny drawing etched on the surface. We must have inspected the whole park. Yet it was nowhere - we even checked every lamppost. Meanwhile, I was just enjoying walking around on some ridiculous mission with him. He seemed more impatient and stubborn about finding it, but I didn't mind much. I felt calm and confident, and kind of boyish. I was wearing my guys' tee and jeans, too. I wonder if he sees me as a 'bro', or if he just likes saying that? I kind of like being called that though for some reason. 

getting there:

6/21

The world has felt slightly different since Wednesday. I think I may have unknowingly crossed into a new one (not sure what portal I took - perhaps the Wendy's drive thru on Tuesday? Or maybe when I showered with my clothes on?) and my stomach as been acting as though everything has reversed its rotation. Like a washing machine suddenly changing directions.

I couldn't distinguish whether it was the same queasiness as days previous or just result of the beer I drank last night, but I am not adjusted.

The party yesterday was never dull. When I first arrived and settled in, my nerves were still on edge, but I enjoyed eating shrimp and talking with the leaders. Caleb said he'd gone to the beach that afternoon and I noticed him glance at Kris, who smiled, so I deduced she'd decided to go with him. I got into playing taboo, and other games. Even beer pong. Sean said he wasn't going to make it, which I think allowed me to focus on simply having fun and being present. I drank 2 beers and became quite hyper, running around and chatting. We all walked to a nearby bridge, and a ledge before it with a telescope and railing that reminded me of Titanic. Kris needed to use the restroom, so she ran back to her house and I followed behind. There was no one else around and it was about 12 am. As I sped down the tidy back street, I became convinced it was proof I'd entered another world. Anyone seeing me would think the scene odd - a barefoot girl booking it at midnight, yet not in any apparent distress or rush.

I told Kris I wish Sean was there, so she decided to call him, as his shift ended at 11:30pm, and tried to convince him to come over. Her and Caleb guilt tripped him for some time. To my surprise, he did stop by. And despite my wishing, I only temporarily felt excited and glad. We played beer pong, and rage cage, and he seemed to be guiding me through it. Then we strolled over to a nearby playground and I hit a wall inside me. I didn't know what to say and I felt suddenly very isolated. Besides Kris, they do not really know me, my intensity and overwhelming emotions, my subtle meaning in everything I do, my poetic frame of mind. I became discouraged by the seeming passiveness and lack of concern from Sean. I granted, he was likely tired, yet it still could be all in my head. I could be wrong about everything, and perhaps should start getting over him. 

Now I'm tired. To sum up, I stayed at Kris' until 4:30 am to get sober, then watched 'A Walk to Remember' until 7am, crying myself sleepy, eating ice cream. I woke at 11am, thankfully with no hangover. 

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8.

2Q20

I'm going to pretend I'm Tengo at Gardner park.

I've wanted to recreate this scene since the moment I read it. I know it won't really be the same, but it's worth a try.

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blog update

5/30

I have decided to begin another blog, that I plan on sharing publicly. I will discuss the books that I am reading, and perhaps you - Kay and Cat - may want to publish articles there as well. As much as I enjoy sharing my personal journal with you all, I need to refocus my energy and time on writing things I imagine sharing more widely, that I may gain experience outside of journaling. 

I'll still post here, but less frequently.

Keep a look out for my book blog: https://taylorsreadingnotes.blogspot.com/

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on getting older

5/22

Learning requires much un-learning, a severe & clean ability to separate oneself from their past views. Any sentimentality towards the ghosts will hinder if not completely deaden any progress.

How can I long to reincarnate an earlier self and keep whatever I have learned? I can only be detached or despising of the other. I don't believe when people say they wish they were young again. What they wish for is perhaps an aspect of youth, but I doubt they want their young selves. I find those who are generally adaptable and not bitter towards growing older, calmer, wiser, often have kept the brightest part of their youthfulness with them. They have hope and malleability - with these, follows curiosity and creativity - hallmarks of a young mind. 

I digress.

Lately I am finding myself rejecting my progress, desiring to cut everything off and return to a more feeble state. It's my wish to rest in pure self-pity, excused from competing with anyone else. This sometimes pulls me to thoughts of death - not in an actual way, but a fantasy conceptual way, since it is also a perfect end, no questions asked. I am practical enough to not realistically consider it. And, I find hope still exists - hides deeper in me when I try to hunt it down, meanwhile guides me from tripping into inescapable pits. And when I do fall into a valley, hope sneaks in and pulls my hand through an exit passage, until we emerge in the daylight again. It's obviously an unequal relationship. 

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many things by, inside, outside the door

5/18

A day of various moments lost in thought, simply imagining or remembering. And, trying to fully absorb what I felt, analyzing my reactions:

Woke up from another romantic dream. Don't recall specifics, but a man had fallen for me, and I felt it, penetrating my heart.

I received a book I ordered, 'The Lover' by Marguerite Duras, in the mail. It was recommended to me by Kay. Once again, she has hit me on the mark - I'm 1/4 way through and already captured by her writing. (Sometimes she makes me unbearably jealous of this ability. She is responsible for my Murakami obsession.) I sat for an hour or so by the open kitchen window, transforming into a teenage french girl. I felt slightly cold with wind, but didn't close the window. 

The weather was strange today. I noticed the wet pavement as I ate breakfast, then later, around 11am, it began to pour. By the time I finished teaching, it was no longer raining, but still overcast, and breezy, although not that cold.

Lydia types her ideas, and here I am, beginning everything by hand. I am similar to her in obsessively reading articles (about enneagram), which has caused me to interpret our behaviours, identifying how much we match our descriptions. Perhaps finding systems is more significant to me than I have acknowledged. Realizing I'm a 4 has opened a possibility to freedom from shame over my personality - since I often consider my emotional tendencies necessary to reduce, too much for anyone. I've been telling myself most of my internal time, "Calm down, you dramatic girl. You're crazy." Also, W saw it in me, pouring out my shining eyes. He felt it in my kiss, and my silent cries, since I never shed an actual tear in front of him. I do have some rationality, that's the 5, but I am obviously swept by irrational forces. And this collection of diaries is a testament to my description. 

Now I'm just lost what else to do with this information. And what to do with my future again. Perhaps I'll continue teaching here. As I am habitually lazy, it's very likely.  As a french girl, I most appreciate small beauties, undervalued, pleasant moments. You could almost say I'm a hedonist for them - I often feel guilty for how much I seek experiences just for the romance of them.

Meanwhile, I'm dreadfully jealous of writers, trapped in lonely places, and of musicians, trapped in themselves; both, to me, seem freed and expressed through their beautiful creations. As a Christian, I am weary to trap myself, yet I face these ideas and the glowing ghosts of my role models constantly. 

Murakami is going to host a jazz/classical radio special this week, but it's only available in Japan.

I found a lizard on the doorstep. Also a letter. I had noticed a young girl with black hair passing by by desk window, so I opened the door. First I was startled by the lizard, then by the absence of the girl. Picking up both, I smiled and showed them to my siblings. 

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my dear ocean

5/14

I am currently at Signal Hill absorbing the sun and enjoying a perfectly beach-like breeze. Earlier I was at Seal Beach, since officials opened Long Beach shores for activity. We're not allowed to set up there, only run/walk/swim/surf. But I did see several people laying on their towels. They may be unaware, or I guess they could not care. Parking was limited to 1 hr, but I took my time.

It was romantic at the ocean today. While it's clear and bright, the wind whipped the waves and my hair around as I strolled along the water. The color was glassy and saturated, even clear. Gazing at the layers of blue and green, I began to cry in gratitude. I tripped along the edges, completely drunk in beauty. My feet noted the difference of sand, and how the water gradually felt warm - the initial shock of cold always wears off to a pleasant embrace. Further away from the pier, I found sand as soft as cookie dough, and a few small but intact seashells. There were wind surfers - probably about 10 of them, performing in the powerful wind. I had no idea they stayed adrift in the air so long, I'd be afraid to fly away. I watched one surfer dip, then his sail crash down, and was surprised by how quickly it caught a new current and lifted into the air again. 

Meanwhile, I was improvising singing to myself, out loud yet muffled by the wind and my mask, so I didn't feel too conscious of others hearing me. It wouldn't have mattered anyways. Most of the songs were about W, but then I told myself to find new subject matter, so I sang a love song to the ocean:

my dear ocean

please marry me

you're so strong and open

I won't mind diving

we aren't so different

salt, water, and the moon

make me your siren

I'll sing blue tunes

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result of puzzling times

5/13

I dreamed I was at a club/bar venue, and Luke R was playing there. There was a great scavenger hunt/game happening, yet this was just a side plot. I recognized Andy (though it didn't look like him) and suddenly realized he knew much more about me than I first assumed, like Moriarty. Without saying much I knew he had dangerous information about me. He was willing to give it back to me - but I had to solve another puzzle to find it. Handing me a clue, he smiled creepily, and I pathetically felt bad for ignoring him, hugged him and left. The clue was a metal bracelet with numbers, and my name, spelled backwards, impressed upon it. Though, it wasn't actually my name - the letters: POLSLUT were. As if I was some prostitute - which in my dream felt to be true. 

I began attempting to solve it right away. It lead me to a rusty old truck in my backyard, but I got stuck. I couldn't decide what the numbers meant.

Then, I resumed to the universal/main puzzle. I was still in my backyard, and an overseer (my dad was the puzzle-creator) was trying to give me some clues. Peeking out the laundry-room window, he told me something about the sky, so I kept gazing upward. Suddenly I viewed the pale moon, then many other moons, all in different phases, and arranged in a perfect grid. I lay on my back and exclaimed at how beautiful the moons were.

Then I was inside, near the small restroom. This clue was written out on stick notes, and I had to answer a question by 'typing' it in (it began to function as a computer game). The question read:

"Laura is obsessed with Birkenstock (or some shoe brand, but not like the actual one) and who loves to wear them?" I didn't know what the shoes looked like, so I had to ask Laura to show me. Her pair reminded me of Victorian lace-up boots, so I immediately thought of my friend Cat, since she has similar ones. As I tried to type it in, everything glitched and forced me to start over. I didn't mind though, since I hadn't fully solved the first clue and I wasn't too far.

I was on the shore, sorting through rocks, and noticing the odd presence of cauliflower. A lady enthusiastically came over to help me, and tried giving me hint. "Call-a-flower," she winked, "What does that make you think of? Huh?" I was at a loss. Whatever "flower" meant, it wasn't about a plant. Then she spilled it, "Flower? You know like helicopter, flower!" This made some sense to my dreaming self, and I believed that it was about a helicopter, as it was an island.

When I woke up, I googled whether flower could be another name for a helicopter. It is not.

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Franklin, any sin

5/11

As of yesterday, I have now returned a second dog back to their home while on my daily walk. I was on Myrtle in the afternoon, when I noticed a curly-hair white dog going down some porch steps, and across the street to me. There was a young boy nearby, but he was focused on setting up his segway, then he rode off down the sidewalk, oblivious to the dog. I figured it belonged to that house, so I walked up and rang the bell. Another boy, rosy and blond and around the same age, came to the door. I asked if he had a little white dog, since he's loose. He confirmed then rushed out to get 'Franklin', since his friends often had a difficult time getting him. I was worried to let a kid run out to the street and after being informed by a stranger, so I awkwardly stayed near the front, hoping to catch his parents. His dad did come out, and I explained he'd gone to catch the dog. The dad said his name was Mike (or something generic and white) and asked if he knew me. I was a mildly nervous from that question, but quickly denied and explained I walk often in the neighborhood and live nearby. He said Franklin gets out frequently, due to his kid playing out with the neighbors. I told him about Dakota, when she'd run to the Lane's or Carmen's and terrorize the cats. Meanwhile the boy was clapping and calling to Franklin, who did respond obediently, unlike my attempts. (I had tried to pet his head earlier, when he growled and went on his way.) We waved and he said thanks, then I continued on my way. 

Today I didn't interact with anyone on my walk. There are many people out though, which I have to admit kind of disturbs me, since it used to be more solitary. Yet, I'm glad to run across people's dogs, and to witness whole families biking down the street. 

Still thought about W often.

Sunday's sermon was on temptation, which convicted me deeply. I give in to various temptations easily, and especially fantasizing/lusting after W. Also, I tend to self-aggrandize and pity (as explained by my enneagram 4), or express bitterness and harshness towards my parents. It's mind-opening to know temptation can be for any sin, thing you try to justify, but know better. 

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not coyote, nor mormons, nor teenagers

5/6
Woke up with a throbbing head - which I attribute to the half of a can of IPA last night. (After MS zoom, us leaders had a little 'happy hour' time.) It grew into nausea, until I was fully hungover. Though nauseous, the only way for me to recover is to eat and drink, so I forced myself gradually and felt better near the end of breakfast. Dad unfortunately has major dizziness by unknown causes, that has not been easily relieved and has affected him all day. He wasn't able to accomplish much; I even heated up his dinner since he couldn't move around.

I took a walk in the morning, since my day was set to be full. The weather was already overbearingly bright; I wore sport shorts and my pink top and put on some sunscreen. As I reached the corner of Olive and Tehachepi, I noticed a little scruffy tan dog, possibly a chihuahua mix, making its way across the front lawns. Peering around, I didn't notice any owner, so I debated going to pick it up, when a lady walking past stopped to look. She asked in a worried voice whether it was a coyote, to which I stifled a laugh (she was serious) and calmly replied it was not, and it was probably someone nearby's dog. I came up to the dog slowly and it didn't run, so I picked it up and checked the tag. The address was just one house over. After a few firm knocks on the door I was greeted by barking, then a bald man in a white T-shirt. He said the guy working in the backyard tends to leave the back gate open, and this little guy, who is 15 years old, tends to wander around. I could tell the dog's age, and that he was used to this, so I replied - "I can tell."

Walking away, the lady and I were then in the same pace, so I struck up a conversation. I asked where she lived, and she asked me, then both agreed it was a hot day but better to walk now than later. She expressed concern about beaches opening, and I sensed she was mildly paranoid about everything. For a split second I considered sharing where I find my peace, but regretfully I felt pressed for time and did not. We split ways at Cartegena, leaving me on my own again. I remarked to myself how unusual it was, and wondered whether things might be different, like Aomame after leaving the cab. Will reality shift now?

I felt anxious through teaching, since I'd agreed to be at church by 2pm to be in a short film with Sean. For Latin 2, we didn't cover much homework, so I allowed us to play pictionary. Latin 1 did not go smoothly, and I had to leave 5 min early, yet I later emailed Brielle to allow her another day for homework.

Driving feels weird, but also nice, like stretching a muscle.

Both in button-down shirts, Luke and I rushed to church, complaining about sweating. He said we looked like Mormons, which could've been accurate, but my skirt wouldn't have qualified. My role in the film was the lead, 'Detective Willoughby Jones', and Luke was only going to be 'nervous young man'. Yet we all had to double upon roles since everyone was busy, so I was also a villain, and Luke was the villain, 'Baby Face.' Sean was filmer/director, and two other villains. It was a ridiculous script; Luke kept saying how stupid it was but he was also having fun.

At home, I did the zoom workout with Lydia, then left again over to the Sheets' house. It was Micah's birthday, so they celebrated with a drive-by celeration that turned into a front lawn spaced-out circle. By the time I arrived they were all on the lawn, and I could see how weird the gathering appeared. After some time, the circle shrunk a bit, until Kris and I were almost normal distance. We left to grab dinner at Chick-fil-A, and Sean tagged along too.

Since inside was closed, we ordered outside and sat on the curb in the scarce parking lot. It was hot like summer and I felt like a stereotypical teenager, hanging out like rebels, eating fast food. Then we walked around the empty spaces, waving at our beloved Lazy Dog and staring at the moon. Filling me with nostalgia, it was huge and bright. I told Kris about Victor's theory of gaining artistic power during full moons.

incomplete and complete

5/4
I told the guy named Eric (who I've zoom called twice now) that I am actually not ready for a relationship. It is mostly due to remaining feelings for crush and for W. Lately I've been thinking more of my crush, and imagining how we could work together. As I drove back from the Post office and while I took my walk I felt angry about the state of things, and at him.

Now I'm unsure again. I don't really know him or Eric, and no one really knows me - which is mostly due to my own habits. I always want what I can't have too.. so as soon as I push someone away, I want them more. And, I can't shake this feeling that I don't deserve fulfillment now, like I'm still unripe or something. Maybe I am.

On another note, I've completed, packaged, and shipped 3 of my CDs to Jocelyn, Kelly, & Conny. I'm so happy they supported me; working on this project really motivated me and reminded me of my RISD project abilities. It was most satisfying to stack the CDs, all in their labeled cases, and feel the weight of them which I knew contained my 8 - 9 month total efforts.

hardly there, hard-to-open

4/22
Woke from a voyeuristic dream this morning.

Movie plot like. With RISD friends, including Kevin Lee; we were searching for certain items. We flew around until we spotted a normal parking lot area, with a hole in a patch of grass. In the hole were items from our past or previous lives. As I marveled at this, I talked to an elderly lady nearby, realizing I recognized her face. Somehow I hadn't before, even though it was grandma Nancy, and she still didn't recognize me. I'd already changed time, or else, been forgotten by my grandparents (grandpa was there too). I felt sad and disconnected from them, but they were clueless. It's like it wasn't even me there.
I was now a part of, and watching, a kind of romance movie. Of course, I wasn't the protagonist; my friend, who resembled Saorise Ronan, was falling in love with a guy who she recently met. I knew they were perfect for each other. Meanwhile, I had a guy friend who kept calling out the name of this girl (who I didn't consider to be attractive) we saw around town. She'd be walking down the street and he'd always say hello, and I knew he genuinely meant it. She didn't notice, even when we stood behind or beside her, and he stared. My romance-crazed brain didn't mind though - as I said, it hardly felt as though I was present.

I sweat so much when I spoke with my prayer partner today. As we shared our current state and difficult things, I was already overly warm but then I got all sticky. I told him about my desires to see my ex, loneliness, and even how my therapist has been bringing to light how I struggle to accept my emotions. I won't share what he said, for his own privacy. While he can be tricky to read, I think I gained more understanding of him and his habits. With this, comes my own ideas of how he should respond, but I think we have some similar flaws, and I am hypocritical. My emotions often embarrass me before I can acknowledge them. Accompany that with pride, which seals everything up in hard-to-open packages, and I can be a difficult person.


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maybe 40% good

4/18
So much anxiety hovers about all the things I set in my mind, and judge myself for not doing. But I have done some cool things.

Today I designed the outfits grid to add to my zine, and posted on instagram. Went for walk along my usual Myrtle to Cartegena route. Jocelyn bought a pre-order for my album CD, since I set up a Bandcamp yesterday. My goal is to re-record the songs by 4/30, so I spent a few hours trying to perfect 'Cigarette song', 'Maybe it's strange', and 'Complete.' Still not 100% about Complete, but it's better. My hand got cramped a lot, and now my fingertips are sore, but it's satisfying to know I made some music today. Even freestyled a little tune, which I may include as a bonus clip.
For dinner, I made us vegetarian curry stew, which I currently smell like (garlic, curry, turmeric mainly), along with soft-boiled eggs, rice, & chopped mint. It is still one of my favorite meals to make and eat. I video called Kay while eating, and we had one of out more positive and light conversations, as I don't think we felt like talking about difficult things. She's been reading lots of manga and watching anime, and also teaching online. While we were talking she drew comics that have been her daily activity with Josh, who shares her love of sequential, animated art. I'm inspired by their interaction, and encouraged by her ordering me to finish my CD and zine to mail them both to her.

Now I am in need of a shower, and attempting to articulate this lingering mood from yesterday, mixed with today's lightness. I went on a zoom call with several of the women from community group around 5pm. When I got on, all I wanted to do was leave - we chatted a bit then my social meter dipped. But Steph lead us to share about what's happening with us spiritually/personally, and everyone started relating to feeling left out of God's blessing or not enough. Of course I related, but I didn't want to open up - a stubborn silence or resistance had prevented me from speaking. I kept a cool face and when Jezy asked how I was, I could only mention my lack of excitement for my morning devotional time lately.

I know it's partially pride, or entirely.

I don't want to give answers like everyone. Also I am not entirely sure how I'm doing. I'm still falling into obsessiveness about my ex, have low dips of esteem about my art and appearance, can't seem to cry, have been creating more than usual, enjoying time with siblings, and am physically healthy. Hard to say it's 50/50 good and bad - objectively, I don't like things, but my mood isn't always down.

I wish I did say more. It does affect the group, and I don't want to have a negative influence that causes silence. Just frustratingly prideful and confused.


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my dreams occur to me on walks

 4/14
Began in a slow, reflective state.

After teaching, I browsed through pinterest for some time, then showered. I sang wondering spontaneous lines as I scrubbed my skin red. Most of the lyrics were about my current confusion of feelings, and I would've liked to keep them but I forgot as soon as I began each following line.

I put on my green lazy dress and soft denim coat and started on my walk. The coat is something I was given by W, but I have no intention of giving it away. It is one of my favorite pieces, with a classic look, good pockets, and big blue buttons. The weather is sunny and perfectly breezy, so I didn't really need to wear it, but I always prefer to feel secure/covered. Pushing up the sleeves and keeping it open worked fine.

Lately, I've been resorting to the same paths on my walks - turning on California, then going down Burlinghall or Tehachepi - but I walked a longer route today that I occasionally take, crossing Carson and down Myrtle. As I reached Carson, I noticed a typed page on the sidewalk, then some more in the street gutter and walk. I gathered as many as I could before the light change, and began organizing them back into order. The very first page begins with "the queen was charged with committing adultery with 5 men, of whom one was her brother ... and she was condemned to be beheaded or burned alive at the king's pleasure." The top of the page reads in bold: "ELIZABETH THE GREAT". There were other pages, so I decided to return for the rest.

Yet for a little while, I thought of other things. Some of W, some of another insignificant bumble conversation, and a perfectly good beheaded poppy that I picked up. There were several other walkers, as usual; a few couples, a few parents with strollers passed by, and I felt an unfamiliar pang of jealousy. The last I'd dreamt of kids was with W - I imagined them to be adorable, and for us all to live by the ocean. Though I doubt this would ever have existed, it will certainly not exist now.

I said aloud, "I just want to get married", cried a little, angrily stepping on a cigarette butt.

I'm beginning to believe it's true.
Last night I had a dream, most of which I was fanatically trying to find out how to tell if a baby, who I'd been assigned to care for during a busy wedding, had a concussion. I'd let the child fall from a balcony, and her eye was all wonky, but she was conscious. I needed to know, and my phone didn't work, so I ran through these apartments, all connected through open stairways. They were nearly all occupied by the youth leaders from Arbor Road - Alissa, Catie, Annie. All married happy neighbors in the prime of their lives. I woke up in awe, a little jealous, though just a dream. I think it has truth. I envy those in the stable period of their lives - set with a loving partner, place to all their own, job to provide. How funny, I'd never realized how truly I'd wanted this normative life until now.

Shortly after, I read a page of my found book which Seymour quotes Elizabeth: "I will never marry."

I gathered up the rest that I could find. There was even a page with pictures of her, fully attired, and a smaller one of her father, Henry VIII. The last page is numbered 308, and the first is 13, and there's whole sections missing from 66 - 103, 226 - 304, and others. I can look up the missing parts when curious, yet I now wonder what happened to it. Something or someone aggressively pulled all the pages out, but with few tears. They are very crinkled and appear to have been run over quite a bit, with an embossed surface of the bumpy road.

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damp little flame

4/7
I only went outside once, for a minute, to pick a few lemons for a lemon-sauced chicken dad was making for dinner. The rest of today, I stayed indoors since it was pouring. Although, I wouldn't have minded going for a rainy walk. I absorbed myself in drawing instead, and it felt refreshing and a bit awkward to be working on illustration again. The little publication that accepted my poetry asked me to create an illustration for their cover. While I don't expect to be paid, as they are very small, I'm grateful to be working and maybe adding it to my portfolio.

For awhile I listened to a CSH related music music mix. But in the afternoon, when I was only shading things, I played more of SS. I had 2.5 hours left, and now I have 45 minutes, and I'm savoring every last scene. There's not much conclusion forming, and I doubt there will be. My guess is Sumire is Miu, or symbolic of her - only because they have strange connections. Or, Sumire really did enter the other world to find Miu - I have little faith she'll return.

My little flame - as with Tita or Sumire's narrator - is dim lately and fragile. When I find a new source of heat, I grow so inflamed that when I need to calm down, I douse it into submission. I hope I haven't burned up or drenched all the wood in me.

I made sure to put on waterproof boots and find an umbrella for going outside. It was only my backyard, but the weather was downpour and I didn't want to attempt barefoot since my feet already felt cold. I stood in it for a few moments, appreciating the enveloping sound of water.

-

Unfortunately, I don't remember my dream from last night.
I do know it was full and exciting; I recall being very nervous and pressured like a protagonist to solve a major dilemma. I woke up thinking I'd naturally have it visualized all day, it was so vivid with emotional checkpoints. Yet it gradually faded, then was erased to mere dust by listening to Sputnik Sweetheart.

I told them I had nothing in particular that was a low - which could be considered true. The lowness applies to many things, to a portion of my brain.

Maybe if I watch the rain enough times, go on the same walks enough, read enough books, talk to enough people, journal in detail in enough, fall in love enough, reorganize myself enough, I'll be enough to write. These are skinny paragraphs and I'm too early to be a minimalist probably. Yet I am.
I'm both early and old - so many of my habits are old.

It's about time, but makes no difference. I know no one will notice a bookcase differently with/out me. I'm in my imitation phase still. Like any good composer - in their youngest stage - I don't write as myself, purely, yet. I'm both cluttered and fortified by old ideas.

Sumire & I both know - it's just time & experience.
She & her creator are not the same,
I & her creator are not the same either.

She was given her tornado; dual forces combined in a storm, as she slipped into a dream.
I watch out my window wishing I could remember, and for thunder with this rain.


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out of my house, mind

4/4

Where    am I going

My mindless laying in the grass, trying to dream, leads me to stand up so quickly I get dizzy, then run around in circles thinking I'll get somewhere.
In other words, I have no balance between thinking and not thinking. When I am not thinking, it's like I am sleep walking, guided along an invisible current, unaware how my travels affect reality. Then I think again, at the moment I'm peering over a cliff, and break in a sweat and curse at my lack of consciousness. Of course, that is why I prefer to mostly stay in thinking mode, for fear of these cliffs.

I feel terrible and inspired and pointless.

Like all the beautiful phrases, sentences I could record don't create a whole. They are silent, and no one may ever try to follow along their illusive trails. The words may remind them of ones they've read and found nothing, and so have no curiosity and/or trust for them.
Apart from all I can create, I find little prospects worth devoting my time. It's probably my fault - I assumed most job positions aren't really looking for me after all, and so they don't choose me. I am an odd fit in the work place. My main hope is not to be trapped at teaching Latin - I adore the kids I teach, but I honestly don't care much about improving their education.

The real reason I am here is not to talk about jobs again though.

I, not metaphorically, just attempted an escape. I finished preparing some things for teaching, did a HIIT exercise video, took a shower, put on my lilac cami & white painter pants, packed my white sling bag with my journal, sketchbook, face mask, & wallet, and headed out the door. I told my mom, Lydia, and Nathan that I wanted to go for a drive, which is half-true. I cannot tell flat lies, I'm a dead giveaway.

While I settled my mind into subconsciously driving to Irvine, I listened to SS. It only took me less than 30 minutes, driving at about 70-80 mph the whole way due to lack of traffic. I'd gotten to the part where the main character finally spots Miu at the terminal in Greece, after waiting and feeling painfully hungry. I parked in the community park near his apartment, possibly the same spot I'd chosen 3 1/2 months prior.

Then I felt sick. I was terribly shaky and ashamed I had come this far. My mind had clicked on and was gasping at the reality of where I was. Not a few times I ducked a bit, nervous that he or his parents would walk past and recognize me. This was unlikely, but still, my fully awake and anxious thoughts kept me from even opening my car door.
Bending over, I tried to calm down and use my most coherent thoughts to write down what I'd say to him. I'd say:

I won't pretend everything is ok - so he understood I wasn't there to try to go back, w/o consequences. Then, ask if I could talk with him. If he agreed, I'd explain what I've been going through, lonely me. I'd have to explain why I didn't simply call. Although, I assumed or hoped that he'd understand I prefer to be there in person. Yet my mind took a turn - I would be imposing. Maybe it would be mean to suddenly appear? And so, I found again that nervous hopeless feeling that I'm not supposed to be here, mixed with no desire to leave. All of me wanted to just hold him, be held by him, yet it wouldn't be that simple. In a heartless film perhaps, with a character who's face you have amnesia about, but I am not that detached.

I opened google maps to find some place to use my time and assuage my desire to stay out. After a stop for gas nearby, I made my way to the PCH to drive along the coast. I passed through Huntington Beach as Miu explains the last night she saw Sumire. It was 4:15 when I got home, but I stayed in my car to keep listening to some of Sumire's personal writings found on a secret floppy disk. There'd be clues to her disappearance hopefully. She talked much about thinking and not thinking - writing vs. being swept up in love - which greatly inspired my intro to this entry. I imagine that those somewhat disorganized ideas are similar to what Murakami's journal is like.


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stir-crazy sweetheart

4/3
Going crazy since waking up this morning. I've had it in my mind that I'd go see Waky (hope he doesn't read this blog..), listening to Sputnik Sweetheart on the way. Maybe I'm bored out of my mind. I know boredom is a part of it, but I'm also very stubborn and lonely. I'm nearly running without explaining anything to anyone at this point.

I'd like to escape everything. It's one of my please-let-me-disappear moods. It's so excruciating being here. I have little work, which I have little passion for, no significant artistic progress, my family doesn't get me (might think I'm lazy), my current plan is to become a librarian so I can live a simple life, I miss my boyfriend of 3 months who I broke up with 3 months ago, I'm afraid I've screwed up my metabolism with weird eating habits, and I am habitually unable to express how I truly feel.
God is here, but lately I feel judged and punished, or that I should be swallowing it all and enduring the bitterness as a learning process. To let things be terrible and lonely and discouraging for now.

But I have to do something, besides sit and give myself a headache. Going to use some time thinking of key aspects I want in someone.

1. same core values and beliefs
2. able to slowdown/okay with my pace of life
3. able to give me space when I need it
4. curious about my art (it's too much to expect them to love it best of all art they've seen, but they should love it for how it represents me.)

Lydia talked to me today about a Socratic discussion on a trial of a person being released from prison. She gave arguments of whether to trust the person from relapsing, whether they can truly change. On the persecution, she agreed that relapse destroys all progress. I couldn't help but relate it some way to my current relapse. I argued that it didn't destroy all progress, there's still things that change. But I guess, the specific progress you were striving for is ruined.

Now I'm listening to Sputnik Sweetheart - it had been returned sooner than expected, and I'm grateful. I find it hard to enjoy any other writing besides Murakami lately. Although I would appreciate some more Salinger. In SS, I'm finding I relate terribly to both the narrator's distant view of reality and much of Sumire's pursuits and problems. Except, I don't have a Miu, or a 3am phone call friend.

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furnace (unfinished), Bordeaux boyfriend

3/29
Explosive internal nervousness & anxiety, and a lump of emotion in my throat that feels like jumping out if I start talking about what I want it to be like. If it does I'll melt away in tears, acidic with my ungratefulness.
My slow pace is both keeping it down and helping it swell, absorbing every minute I waste, every calorie I allow myself to swallow. It is not really me feeding it - rather, the often-ignored, home-ridden girl who reaches out desperately for any passing judgments, not-quite-rights, floating fears. Some she uses to kindle the explosive hearth, some she allows to escape, some she feeds to the swollen thing. Process is black-dust and staining, her whole body like a charcoal figure chiaroscuro. She grinds shadows whole for her meals, so her whole self is coated, filled.

No one saw her.
Walking past normally nothing could be seen, darkness
Smoke around, trailing, whispering life, but nothing alive

Some one saw her
So blinding in purity, washed everything over with light


3/30
Had another romantic dream last night.
I was on a roadtrip to a convention with this black-haired boy.
He was driving a truck - it was one of those frieght trucks. I had already fallen for him, he was unlike anyone else - I felt like he was me ( which is technically true) He was well-read. I asked him what he thought about Bordeaux (in this reality I'd been obsessed with an author named John Bordeaux - possibly thinking of bordeaux chocolate) He said he didn't care for him, and I threw up my hands in distress - but was happy he at least knew who I was talking about. We arrived at the convention, but there was a pandemic going on here too, so it was very empty. What's odd is there was another event happening in the same facility that was like a birthday and much more festive than ours. Our food was terribly gross looking and all brown, while they had a colorful buffet. I think this was inspired by The Office-style humor.
Dreaming about love can put me in a mood, and I guess it kind of did. At least, I kept thinking about this new imaginary boyfriend throughout the day.


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work, new work

3/28
Partly wish I could just continue in this schedule - no teaching, just all projects and blogging. I only have a little over a month left though, and I do need to get a part time job after that. My efforts to find one have been greatly slowed, since I have been doubting that many places are actually hiring how, besides Amazon and grocery stores. I applied to Trader Joe's today, since most of their locations are looking for temp crew members. First, I drove over at 12pm to try dropping off my resume, but there was a terribly long line to San Antonio blvd., so I went back home. I retried at about 2pm, but it was the same length. But this time I got out anyways and walked directly to an employee and asked to see the manager. She directed me inside to a man with glasses, and I promptly asked him if they were hiring. He said they no longer accept physical resumes, and I'd have to apply online. So my adventure ended, and I left my printer paper resume in my car. I applied to 2 locations when I got home, happy to not be waiting in a physical line, though I'm sure I'm in a digital one of applicants.

I've been thinking thoroughly about my 'bible' project again. Yesterday, I tried searching for places to submit my manuscript, but no press seemed to suit my work. I realized I'd have to try self-publishing, and re-do the Old Testament to make it cohesive. Talking to my dad helped me verbalize my plans. I'll have to figure out publicity & marketing eventually, but for now I decided to focus on refining what I have. In my devotion time this morning I read a verse on working - "not for man, but as for the Lord" and I think that motivated me all day. After all, human opinion is biased, fleeting, and unsatisfying, but knowing that God of the universe is proud of you, truly, is always rewarding. Of course you also have to be able to acknowledge it yourself. That's often the most difficult part - letting go of pride and seeing yourself & your work as God does.


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penny, dusted memories, holy spirit wind

3/25
Been about 2 weeks in quarantine mode.

There's really not much activity for me to write of. Besides Penny talking with me again. I think the isolation has equalized many of my relationships, and I also feel like I've gone back in time. I haven't seen Penny for about 2 months now, but a few days ago she sent me a text through instagram. Although I normally would put off replying, I decided to respond immediately, and I gave her my address since she insisted to write me. She is a terribly inconsistent writer, and project keeper, since she loves throwing out ideas but forgets about the process. It's very thrilling to brainstorm with her, but it's like watching an entertaining trailer that gives away the whole movie. Admittedly, I am quite similar; I have several projects always simultaneously happening, and only a few end up completed.

Anyways, I did receive her letter yesterday. I put off reading it, since Karim from Algeria video chatted me, then I had the Middle School youth group video call soon after. I didn't even have time for dinner. I called Sushi West and asked Lydia to pick up the order, while I attended the call.
My therapist had advised me to share my honest feelings and be clear about how I prefer to never pretend to be happy. I'm terrible at hiding my sadness. Yet I could only request prayer for mental health and loneliness - a generic and understandable issue.

Reading her letter greatly inspired me to make a new artist book. She retold her admiration for a book I'd done a couple years ago, including many little puzzles and poems. Then she asked about Waky. Just that day I did what is not recommended and reread all our texts, realizing that we'd messaged each other nearly everyday since we met, for a total of about 108 days. Now I am considering making a book related to this, if the feelings don't swallow me before. I had to lay on the kitchen floor tonight as I replayed a memory, his hands on my face.

3/26

I reread my journals from Jan 2019 to Dec 2019 today.

Even the poignant moments of romantic tension, though some made me feel guilty. I closed the book and found a conclusive feeling, and real shadows I'd left out of the overly brightened memories between us. It took me about 2 hours to get through it all, then my back ached so I decided to go for a walk. The weather was brisk and clear, and I felt cold even though I was wearing 3 layers of long sleeves. The wind was harsh on my face. But it was all so refreshing; it perfectly matched how relieved I felt to have dusted off the desires to see Waky again. My reasons for keeping him in my past were obvious as the sky. I also found little resentment towards all romance-related disappointment, as I was practically cleaned of feelings for my recent crush. The despair was sitting on the corners, like the clouds edging the horizon, but it remained there. I think God (more fittingly his Holy Spirit) arrived in the wind today and altered the forecast. It failed to rain as predicted at about 3pm.

Once again, I am on my own, but I have a different self. I am certain God had waited, and I had waited, to as last discover how I can learn from myself. I am reveling at how my writing has aided and transformed me, alongside this introverted time.

There is still some residue of something for my crush though, which makes sense. I shouldn't expect to feel nothing all at once. It is not as controlling though, and disturbs me at the level of a minor pet peeve.


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lonely letter, written with rain and milk tea

3/22
Dear Waky,
I almost drove to your house today. I was in Irvine to pick up a DocuCam for my online teaching, and couldn't help but be overwhelmed by the reality that I was only a few miles away from you. After I returned to my car, I just sat in the parking lot feeling torn up and insane for wanting to see you. I needed to do something else while I was there, as an alternate activity, so I looked at Google Maps to find what's around. Many things are closed now. Originally, I wanted to get a bagel from Bruegger's (jalapeno cheddar with cream cheese) but they don't even have take out. So I opted from milk tea from Gong Cha. Not really what I associate with you, but we did get ShareTea once, on that Wednesday. And when we came back my dad asked which one we'd gone to, since we had stayed in the parking lot, kissing and talking for about an hour. (Of course, I only told my dad we'd been talking, but I'm sure he suspected things.) Anyway, I got an unsweetened oolong with grass jelly. I'm finishing it right now as I write, though I'm not really hungry.

Out my window it is raining, and this whole week and a half it's been grey and wet. Thankfully I took a walk today before the clouds huddled together, when there was an open shining sky, and an ocean breeze.

Yesterday it was very sunny, so I laid a towel down and drew a few things with colored pencils. I'd been troubled by memories of you that have been revisiting lately, so I called my friend Kris to relieve my loneliness. She could tell there was more to it and pointed out it could be because of insecurities I have yet to face. You were probably painfully aware of how insecure I am. You struggled with my indecisiveness and my valleys of self-esteem. But I struggled with your lack of empathy and your own doubts. So we were not an easy pair.

3/23
The letter (above) is accurate. He's been on my mind, and now I'm brainstorming an artist book idea to contain/express the memories. I wonder if I'm afraid to let them go. I enjoy reminiscing times with him - it was very romantic and emotionally dramatic. But I know God doesn't want me to go back. Being with him did not bring me closer to God. He would never be able to love me until he shared my views and values. I am grateful to have had that time with him, and I'll keep the vivid, movie-like scenes of us in my memory forever (or as long as I can).

This is a lonely time and I could be vulnerable to giving in if it intensifies.

Next week I'll begin teaching online, which will change things. I'm a bit nervous about it, and I hope I can set boundaries to not be constantly working.


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quarantine & waiting

3/20
Nearly the end of the first week in quarantine mode.

Today I had 3 video calls. I didn't have any yesterday, since I decided not to join the high school night one. I let Lydia use my computer while I ate dinner and drew. I've officially restarted my new testament project, and I can't choose between pen drawn or digitally traced. I spent awhile sketching then editing photos of my sketches. One verse from Psalms had stuck out to me (from reading in the morning) so I thought it'd be encouraging to make an illustrated post about it. Of course when I posted it, not many people ended up liking it - it's plain & about God, not exactly what my art friends go for. I thought it wouldn't bother me but it did, and I had to talk myself out of archiving it. Who really cares - I'll probably forget too as soon as I post a well-received thing. I'm on the verge of deleting the app - it's been consuming me. Maybe a hiatus.

I am in quiet ache as I wait for the Lord to do things. Waiting for some direction / place for my art, for romantic resolution, and for being a small group leader. My art career has been a pressing question for almost a year now. I don't want to complain about it more though. I'm too tired.
As for feelings, they are feelings, and I'm not sure I can act on them for some time. And being a youth leader feels postponed again. Yet I'm trusting He has reasons.

Meanwhile I'm going to write stories & songs, draw, read, and bake bread.

I baked pita bread today. It came out kinda too flat, but tasty. I fixed falafel along with it.
In the afternoon, I tried writing something new, by following a random prompt. I chose when you First Held Someone's Hand. It's a memorable day - our 3rd date, a 3-part one too. But I don't want to close my day dwelling on that night. Feels strange. For my next prompt, I will choose something non-romantic & challenging. Perhaps about friendship.

not sure but I'm not stuck at home

3/16
Been disoriented by the total schedule shift.
Saturday was fine - felt confused about how to feel and it was gloomy out, so I didn't do terribly much. Did usual things, then had dinner at Cynthia's with Kris & Vanessa. Cynthia's mom made chicken, rice, plantains, salad and beans. It was a comforting meal, and comforting to talk with them. I didn't realize how humorous my plain statements can be. I guess those are the funniest sentences, when the person saying them isn't fully conscious of it. We talked about love lives, mostly ex loves, only Vanessa has a boyfriend.

Cynthia pulled out a new devotional book she'd bought, and we read the first on together. It was on trusting God's perfect plan. Trust after/during making/experiencing mistakes is a difficult application. I attempted to relate all the errors to errors when I am making art. I told them about how I always am more proud of a piece of art that went wrong, needed to be reworked, re-purposed, washed over. (Happy accidents, as we all know them. Yet not all are happy - some are sad, frustrating, joyful, surprising. All are a part of the process) Then we sliced a cheesecake from Porto's in late celebration of Kris' birthday. We played 'hedbanz' (a new favorite of mine) and Cards Against Humanity for the rest of the evening.

The following day was Sunday, and I thought I'd sleep in but my family were all up and ready to stream the early online service. So I stumbled out of bed and made my shortest commute to church - still 5 minutes late. I squeezed in between my parents and awkwardly observed us all quietly sitting. None of us were singing, though it was worship, until my dad did a little bit. I thought, ah screw it, and sang along too. My mom turned up the volume to we could feel more comfortable singing along. We never got to really singing, but it was a step for my reserved and easily embarrassed family. The service was on waiting, and the story of Lazarus. Fitting for the current time of quarantines and uncertainty. His point on Jesus telling Lazarus to 'get up' resonated with me the most - I think that's what God is telling me about stepping out of my fear, since I can trust him.

I baked some fast version of bagels - no yeast, no knead, no boiling - just to try it out. The recipe called for greek yogurt, which made them taste like sourdough. Then I had a video call with the leaders on youth ministry for the next weeks/months. I was distracted/self-conscious about seeing myself in video and and didn't share much if at all. Caleb told us that we'd still have youth ministry, games, teaching, and small groups, instead all through Zoom. I am curious (and concerned about) how it will go.

Some of them planned on meeting at Mod at 8 pm, after watching the service, but I was tired and kind of down. I read 'Recursion' then watched 'He's Just Not That Into You'. The movie was painful but funny - I am more like Gigi than I'd often like to admit, while I found myself agreeing with the pessimistic doubts about men, and finally crying with happy/sadness at (Spoilers) Neal proposing to Beth. (sigh) They still played into the perfect ending that sustains my obsessive behaviors. But I enjoyed it.

I realized it's been nearly 3 months since I had contact with my ex. Some memories kept replaying in my mind all day. I was walking down Tehachepi while remembering the feeling I always had driving to his house.

I went to a training meeting at Veritas for online teaching methods. It was pretty fun to learn about how to use a Docu-Cam and the whiteboard application with it. I'm kind of nervous about how it'll go for my classes, but also excited and grateful to be sleeping in more and commuting less.

As I drove back home from an appointment in the afternoon, I stopped by Vons to buy tofu for dinner. The place was ravaged - practically every shelf was with gaps and scattered products. They were out of tofu, and quick oats, and the apple supply was sad. So I left without buying anything and tried Aldi's. The lot was sparse, and there was a sign on the door, so I parked close and got out to read it. A lady right next to me did the same. We discovered they'd closed an hour ago, shared our shock, wished each other a good evening, and drove off. When I was waiting at a light, the host on the classical (KUSC) radio station began to wish us all a good evening at home. He said he assumes many of us are now working at home for awhile. Meanwhile, the station might sound a bit different since they are also working from home. He was not in the studio, but in fact in the closet of his master bedroom. I then imagined a bunch of radio hosts sitting in closets across America, and laughed loudly. The image still brings me much joy.

While I'm sure it's sad for those grieving, this pandemic is kind of entertaining. Like a thunderstorm. (My sister thinks I'm a little insane for telling her this)



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closing and opening

3/14
Debating whether to post on other platforms about this blog. I may have to change my topic/writing style if I decided to publish it, as there are still some things I'd rather my students (who I regretfully allowed to follow my insta) not to read.

Many things have been cancelled or postponed due to Corona panic, and I think it's pretty surreal. When it was highlighted in the media, I initially thought it would have minor effects. Perhaps major events would be postponed. But now, nearly all social/educational gatherings have been disbanded. Church service this Sunday will be online, all youth ministry events are set back, Veritas will eventually switch to online, and public schools have cancelled class for a few weeks - which will cause my dad to receive paid leave and be home like old times. In addition, stores are chaotic with hoarding customers, Disneyland is closed, there's no more sports for dad to watch on TV, and I'm sure many public areas will be closed soon as well. Yet it wasn't yesterday (3/13) so I had dinner at Mod with Kris, Sean, & Caleb, and when we walked through the mall it was a usual amount of busy.

During dinner Kris shared about her current state honestly, and we agreed that she's completely allowed to express how terrible it all is. It's a situation were not everything makes sense but it's important to share the confusion and pain. She fears being a burden, or that she's too much for us, but I've never considered her to be one. She is a generous listener, and I hope she took to heart how much she's being supported and allowed to release her concerns with us.

For awhile though, Sean & Caleb kept talking, and I grew dismayed. I turned to Kris and told her that they were talking too much. I also felt off, since there were other deeper things I wanted to discuss, when they had transitioned into small talk. Thankfully, Sean asked me how I was doing - probably because I had been very quiet and looked concerned. I explained how I'd been excited about researching an MLS degree lately, but really wanted to know what their stories to faith are, as I still don't really know them. Caleb shared, and I related to his need to rebuild his faith. It's what we are currently addressing in our topic at youth, on asking deep/difficult questions as an effort to equip them for the trial of college. Then I took over and shared what I'd gone through - how I had naive faith that was isolated and greatly doubted during RISD, and not until graduation was it really rebuilt. (I did make changes in my senior year which I didn't mention, but in that time I was still dedicating my life to my art.) And I even admitted my mild depression, as Kris had inspired me to be more transparent, and I'd been thinking of explaining it since asking for prayer on Tuesday. I don't know if I gave too much, but they reminded me to reach out when I'm sad or lonely. I'll try to remember this - it's often hard in the moment of my low to want company.

I still have yet to hear Sean's story. Later, we went to SomiSomi and I told Sean about going to San Jose at the end of the month. He offered to go up with me if I want to leave on the 27th. I would definitely prefer that, since it will be a long drive and I'd rather not be alone. Also, it could be a time for me to understand him better. He better not judge my driving skills or taste in music. It's still a couple weeks away though, so we'll see what God has in store.

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a new chin-length plan

3/12
In a weird emotional state currently (time: 8:45am) I asked God to handle my crush feelings, and relieve me of them if it's not meant to be, and now I'm half-fearing that he is answering. My stomach is kind of nervous feeling when I think about it. There is a doubt in my mind that I've been considering - he (my admiree) has low observation skills I think, or at least, doesn't seem to care for me in particular. I'm worried that there are sides of me he'd never try to see or be interested in seeing, when I want someone who is more curious. Then again, he could be unaware of my feelings entirely, and simply see me as a friend, which could explain things. I may also abandon or alter these thoughts later. Being in conversation with him, when I finally relax, is really fun and he always makes me think or laugh. My solution to it all is just keep praying. I hope I won't get jealous, and I want to be careful of idolizing it - a little late perhaps, but I am definitely doing better than I have in the past. And I've learned about myself - I'm more expressive and witty around him. I wish I could be that way all the time. Maybe I'll get past this and keep those emphasized traits? I hope so. Keeping confidence is very difficult when I often feel misunderstood.

Sensing it will be clarified soon, either within me or by circumstance.

My hair is chin-length now. I had it cut yesterday, since I hadn't known what to do with my hair. I'd always tie it up. Although I've cut my hair several times, I think this new look defines a new period of my life.

Things are different, primarily because of how I relate to my family. I've been more compassionate towards my parents and more open with my sister. When I was dating my ex, I didn't realize how closed off it made me. Part of me believes that I kept dating him because I was trying to rebel and get away from them. Yesterday, I discussed the situation of my writing class with my dad and he seemed to understand my decision with empathy. I also found it better to talk to my mom without assuming she's thinking the worst or judging. Seems obvious, but it's a tricky thing when I have an overactive imagination and some evidence from the past.

Ever since reading Kafka on the Shore, I've been revisiting the idea of becoming a librarian, and discovered that you need a Master's in Library Science for most positions. At first, I questioned it greatly, but I researched further and found it to be practically universal, and intriguing. Being a librarian would give me a stable career, and an environment full of books, and a pace that suits me. I'll continue researching, but I imagined a plan: I could work as a library assistant, or part time somewhere, while earning my Masters online. A possible, affordable option would be San Jose State University, since there is still a difference in out-of-state vs. in-state tuition for online study.



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my own patterns

3/10
I had my first open Monday since a month ago - I no longer work at the bookstore, as rush period is over. Instead, I attempted to take care of various small things, but ended up doing very little and wondering why the hours had passed. Some days sit this way. I long to be accomplishing something, and think of a list, but think too long and don't do much.
What I did do:
Woke up and regretted having an early job.
Taught Latin 1 & 2. Lucie did not show, so I didn't tutor algebra.
Latin 2 students told me I was a good teacher, after I remarked that they'd be making fun of me someday.
Did exercise.
Added to the blog.
Drove to Dana Library, to find it closed.
Planned out what to make for Kris' birthday present.
Took a walk and called Nathan to talk about visiting during my Spring break. I might drive up to him in San Jose, if I can gather the courage.
Worked on Kris' present for a few hours.
At about 8 pm, ate orange chicken my dad fixed for dinner. I would've eaten earlier, but I was so engrossed in making, which was refreshing since I hadn't experienced an art - time - jump in awhile.
My day concluded with night snacking, then laying in bed reading an article on how to handle crushes as a christian girl.

To go back in time, my Sunday may be worth recording.
I got ready for the youth service at 10 am, in good spirits and a new perspective, as I am now officially a small group leader. I wasn't need at the tech table, so I sat in and listened to Pastor Soy, who was guest speaking, consider the responses of Moses when God called on him. He first said 'Why me', then 'What if', then 'I can't'. I cannot define which I use more. In small groups, I remained silent, as I considered that I'd already passed those responses and am involving myself in serving.

After service, I went home to exercise, eat lunch, and clean the kitchen. That afternoon, I met with Leena at Bakers & Baristas, a hip place on South St with over priced macarons. I didn't get a macaron, but I did order a cappuccino, which was not cheap either. I appreciated the quality foam art and ceramic mug. Leena was having a late lunch, so I talked a bit first as she finished her toast. I explained what I do, showing her my sketchbook. We discussed relationships - she hasn't had one, but I tried to explain that the only one I'd had made me feel desperately empty. I told her I learned the hard way about rushing into an intimate relationship, how I ended it at 3 months wondering why I was still there. All the while, the coffee was already quickening my blood and I was running on some dose of happiness of hope that my current crush reciprocates my feelings. Thankfully I didn't tell her at that moment; I will soon though.

Then I holed up in the Starbucks near church, preparing the slides for teaching I'd procrastinated in doing.
I attended the 6 pm service, along with the leaders and a few people from community group. The sermon was on the 38 year invalid at the pool of Bethesda. Jesus asks him the remarkable question: "Do you want to get well?"

Do I want to get well? Do I want to be free of my mild depression? Do I want to stop being unbearably insecure? Do I want to change?

I found myself confronted by my own patterns, the parts of me that are not fully functioning but I've grown to live with. It took the breath out of me, and I cried during our closing song. Wiping away my tears, I tried to be friendly to my friends again, but felt suddenly very weak. I followed the other leaders around into Caleb's office, where they all just joked around and Kris misspelled geography. My mood did not change, and I grew lonely. They all planned on going to dinner, but I needed to save up and go to sleep early, so I quietly said goodbye and slipped out. I got into my car, then broke down into a full body cry.


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funeral, birthday, 3 conversations, 1 letter

3/7
Did lots of talking and relationship mending today.
First I called Kay in the morning, and she told me that she's been quite low and lonely lately, due to Victoria having a guy over frequently and her own lack of plans. I told her all about recent change and my renewed hope in God, and am truly grateful that God helped me share my experiences genuinely. Normally, I'd get a bit arrogant and preachy, but I focused instead on just talking about my recent revelations while trusting that He will use my words. She said she felt held by my phone call, so I'm glad.

Then I got ready for Caleb's dad's funeral. I wore my velvet black turtleneck dress and heels. The service was very touching and entertaining. I cried a little during the eldest brother's speech, and towards the end of the sermon, as a feeling of desire to be with God grew in me. ~~ seems to have been a unique and fearless character who reminded me a bit of grandpa Pannell. I made a mental note to write a letter to gma and him soon, as they are mortal too.

Afterwards, I went to Lucille's with some of the leaders, to celebrate a birthday. Originally I didn't plan on it, as I've been spending too much, but I felt slightly bad about how their birthday plans fell through. Lunch was enjoyable for the people; though I regretted its cost and calories, I did have watermelon, good conversations and quality time. Sean said if we were all actually parts of his subconscious, I'd be the rational side. We discovered that the biscuits are now frozen and the strawberry lemonade no longer has actual strawberries, and we laughed about our disappointment in the establishment.

When I got home, it was about 3 pm, so I called D~ while I went on a walk, as I told him I'd call in the afternoon. I finally tried to make it clear that we shouldn't hang out, since he's likely not over me yet. At first he didn't accept it, but then I explained how it ultimately doesn't matter how long we've been friends, and apologized for the letters I'd written (as it probably encouraged him falsely). Then admitted how I don't envision us benefiting each other outside of a friendship. I think that's when he truly got it. He said he's relieved to have a firm no.

My evening was spent talking with dad over omelettes I'd made, about difficulty with Luke's education. My parents are so tired of having to enforce rules and engage in arguments. I am praying that God will work inside of them and soften hearts and change dynamics.

Then I spent about an hour writing a letter to gma & gpa. I recorded all the work that I'm currently doing, my reminiscing of sushi times with gma, and mentioned hoping to drive to them someday.

When I finished, I went to snack in the kitchen, and ended up talking to Lydia for about 1 & 1/2 hours. First about crushes, then art & school & life, and Hume Lake & church. And rich people, & a fictional bougie Mcdonald's at Laguna Beach, and toll sidewalks. Finally, we discussed what things of today that we could exaggerate into the future - as Ray Bradbury did with Fahrenheit 451. I still stand by VR and socialism. Now I am sleepy and it is nearly 1 am, with daylight savings tomorrow.


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