furnace (unfinished), Bordeaux boyfriend

3/29
Explosive internal nervousness & anxiety, and a lump of emotion in my throat that feels like jumping out if I start talking about what I want it to be like. If it does I'll melt away in tears, acidic with my ungratefulness.
My slow pace is both keeping it down and helping it swell, absorbing every minute I waste, every calorie I allow myself to swallow. It is not really me feeding it - rather, the often-ignored, home-ridden girl who reaches out desperately for any passing judgments, not-quite-rights, floating fears. Some she uses to kindle the explosive hearth, some she allows to escape, some she feeds to the swollen thing. Process is black-dust and staining, her whole body like a charcoal figure chiaroscuro. She grinds shadows whole for her meals, so her whole self is coated, filled.

No one saw her.
Walking past normally nothing could be seen, darkness
Smoke around, trailing, whispering life, but nothing alive

Some one saw her
So blinding in purity, washed everything over with light


3/30
Had another romantic dream last night.
I was on a roadtrip to a convention with this black-haired boy.
He was driving a truck - it was one of those frieght trucks. I had already fallen for him, he was unlike anyone else - I felt like he was me ( which is technically true) He was well-read. I asked him what he thought about Bordeaux (in this reality I'd been obsessed with an author named John Bordeaux - possibly thinking of bordeaux chocolate) He said he didn't care for him, and I threw up my hands in distress - but was happy he at least knew who I was talking about. We arrived at the convention, but there was a pandemic going on here too, so it was very empty. What's odd is there was another event happening in the same facility that was like a birthday and much more festive than ours. Our food was terribly gross looking and all brown, while they had a colorful buffet. I think this was inspired by The Office-style humor.
Dreaming about love can put me in a mood, and I guess it kind of did. At least, I kept thinking about this new imaginary boyfriend throughout the day.


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