maybe 40% good

4/18
So much anxiety hovers about all the things I set in my mind, and judge myself for not doing. But I have done some cool things.

Today I designed the outfits grid to add to my zine, and posted on instagram. Went for walk along my usual Myrtle to Cartegena route. Jocelyn bought a pre-order for my album CD, since I set up a Bandcamp yesterday. My goal is to re-record the songs by 4/30, so I spent a few hours trying to perfect 'Cigarette song', 'Maybe it's strange', and 'Complete.' Still not 100% about Complete, but it's better. My hand got cramped a lot, and now my fingertips are sore, but it's satisfying to know I made some music today. Even freestyled a little tune, which I may include as a bonus clip.
For dinner, I made us vegetarian curry stew, which I currently smell like (garlic, curry, turmeric mainly), along with soft-boiled eggs, rice, & chopped mint. It is still one of my favorite meals to make and eat. I video called Kay while eating, and we had one of out more positive and light conversations, as I don't think we felt like talking about difficult things. She's been reading lots of manga and watching anime, and also teaching online. While we were talking she drew comics that have been her daily activity with Josh, who shares her love of sequential, animated art. I'm inspired by their interaction, and encouraged by her ordering me to finish my CD and zine to mail them both to her.

Now I am in need of a shower, and attempting to articulate this lingering mood from yesterday, mixed with today's lightness. I went on a zoom call with several of the women from community group around 5pm. When I got on, all I wanted to do was leave - we chatted a bit then my social meter dipped. But Steph lead us to share about what's happening with us spiritually/personally, and everyone started relating to feeling left out of God's blessing or not enough. Of course I related, but I didn't want to open up - a stubborn silence or resistance had prevented me from speaking. I kept a cool face and when Jezy asked how I was, I could only mention my lack of excitement for my morning devotional time lately.

I know it's partially pride, or entirely.

I don't want to give answers like everyone. Also I am not entirely sure how I'm doing. I'm still falling into obsessiveness about my ex, have low dips of esteem about my art and appearance, can't seem to cry, have been creating more than usual, enjoying time with siblings, and am physically healthy. Hard to say it's 50/50 good and bad - objectively, I don't like things, but my mood isn't always down.

I wish I did say more. It does affect the group, and I don't want to have a negative influence that causes silence. Just frustratingly prideful and confused.


tmp