4/14
Began in a slow, reflective state.
After teaching, I browsed through pinterest for some time, then showered. I sang wondering spontaneous lines as I scrubbed my skin red. Most of the lyrics were about my current confusion of feelings, and I would've liked to keep them but I forgot as soon as I began each following line.
I put on my green lazy dress and soft denim coat and started on my walk. The coat is something I was given by W, but I have no intention of giving it away. It is one of my favorite pieces, with a classic look, good pockets, and big blue buttons. The weather is sunny and perfectly breezy, so I didn't really need to wear it, but I always prefer to feel secure/covered. Pushing up the sleeves and keeping it open worked fine.
Lately, I've been resorting to the same paths on my walks - turning on California, then going down Burlinghall or Tehachepi - but I walked a longer route today that I occasionally take, crossing Carson and down Myrtle. As I reached Carson, I noticed a typed page on the sidewalk, then some more in the street gutter and walk. I gathered as many as I could before the light change, and began organizing them back into order. The very first page begins with "the queen was charged with committing adultery with 5 men, of whom one was her brother ... and she was condemned to be beheaded or burned alive at the king's pleasure." The top of the page reads in bold: "ELIZABETH THE GREAT". There were other pages, so I decided to return for the rest.
Yet for a little while, I thought of other things. Some of W, some of another insignificant bumble conversation, and a perfectly good beheaded poppy that I picked up. There were several other walkers, as usual; a few couples, a few parents with strollers passed by, and I felt an unfamiliar pang of jealousy. The last I'd dreamt of kids was with W - I imagined them to be adorable, and for us all to live by the ocean. Though I doubt this would ever have existed, it will certainly not exist now.
I said aloud, "I just want to get married", cried a little, angrily stepping on a cigarette butt.
I'm beginning to believe it's true.
Last night I had a dream, most of which I was fanatically trying to find out how to tell if a baby, who I'd been assigned to care for during a busy wedding, had a concussion. I'd let the child fall from a balcony, and her eye was all wonky, but she was conscious. I needed to know, and my phone didn't work, so I ran through these apartments, all connected through open stairways. They were nearly all occupied by the youth leaders from Arbor Road - Alissa, Catie, Annie. All married happy neighbors in the prime of their lives. I woke up in awe, a little jealous, though just a dream. I think it has truth. I envy those in the stable period of their lives - set with a loving partner, place to all their own, job to provide. How funny, I'd never realized how truly I'd wanted this normative life until now.
Shortly after, I read a page of my found book which Seymour quotes Elizabeth: "I will never marry."
I gathered up the rest that I could find. There was even a page with pictures of her, fully attired, and a smaller one of her father, Henry VIII. The last page is numbered 308, and the first is 13, and there's whole sections missing from 66 - 103, 226 - 304, and others. I can look up the missing parts when curious, yet I now wonder what happened to it. Something or someone aggressively pulled all the pages out, but with few tears. They are very crinkled and appear to have been run over quite a bit, with an embossed surface of the bumpy road.
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