hardly there, hard-to-open

4/22
Woke from a voyeuristic dream this morning.

Movie plot like. With RISD friends, including Kevin Lee; we were searching for certain items. We flew around until we spotted a normal parking lot area, with a hole in a patch of grass. In the hole were items from our past or previous lives. As I marveled at this, I talked to an elderly lady nearby, realizing I recognized her face. Somehow I hadn't before, even though it was grandma Nancy, and she still didn't recognize me. I'd already changed time, or else, been forgotten by my grandparents (grandpa was there too). I felt sad and disconnected from them, but they were clueless. It's like it wasn't even me there.
I was now a part of, and watching, a kind of romance movie. Of course, I wasn't the protagonist; my friend, who resembled Saorise Ronan, was falling in love with a guy who she recently met. I knew they were perfect for each other. Meanwhile, I had a guy friend who kept calling out the name of this girl (who I didn't consider to be attractive) we saw around town. She'd be walking down the street and he'd always say hello, and I knew he genuinely meant it. She didn't notice, even when we stood behind or beside her, and he stared. My romance-crazed brain didn't mind though - as I said, it hardly felt as though I was present.

I sweat so much when I spoke with my prayer partner today. As we shared our current state and difficult things, I was already overly warm but then I got all sticky. I told him about my desires to see my ex, loneliness, and even how my therapist has been bringing to light how I struggle to accept my emotions. I won't share what he said, for his own privacy. While he can be tricky to read, I think I gained more understanding of him and his habits. With this, comes my own ideas of how he should respond, but I think we have some similar flaws, and I am hypocritical. My emotions often embarrass me before I can acknowledge them. Accompany that with pride, which seals everything up in hard-to-open packages, and I can be a difficult person.


tmp