a picture across the room

 9/7

what about the future?
I'm only throwing flaming arrows into it every day
what will you call me then
when we're growing shadows between our names?
I love it when you find me under my stray hairs
my office glowing with anxious flames
Your soul gently pours
I can't burn anything so I drown and pray

Being a mother does not often seem that great to me, since I come from a lineage of misunderstood & difficult mothers. I often worry that I would simply be continuing this pattern, and thus could benefit everyone by simply not having kids. Would I be able to give my children the affection they deserve and need? Distance and high standards are my not-so-healthy habits of mind which could make my hypothetical children feel alone and judged. 

Yesterday, church was cancelled due to the heat, and I had time to make dinner for my family and afterwards hangout with Sean. I wasn't sure of coming over, since the day hadn't been used fully according to my productivity sense, but I really wanted to eat ice cream and draw a little. I stopped by Vons to buy birthday cake healthy ice cream. Over a couple episodes of Weeds (my new favorite tv show) Sean worked on a chart for homework and I laid back and ate nearly the entire pint. For awhile I drew mindlessly; just repeats of things I've drawn before. Somehow we got on the topic of being called mom or dad, and I admitted I felt a bit uneasy about being called mom, leading to my fears of parenting and my embedded insecurities. He reminded me that I put very high standards upon myself, and to try to view myself how God and others see me. He's convinced I'm an empathetic, caring, thoughtful person, which I am still in the process of internalizing. I can be very empathetic, too much so, and carry a burden of emotional responsibility. So I understand that. Also, I do care about people and various matters deeply - I place importance on many things which is why I take so long to make decisions. Yet I struggle over the reality that I am selfish at my core - if I do anything which appears to help someone, underneath it is a selfish motive. The benefits, as Jesus says in Matthew 6, really needn't be dwelled on anyways, since I have no reason to take credit for how I have helped. So how can I accept my selfishness and believe in my goodness? Is it even godly to see myself as good? Is there a fine line between self acceptance and prideful ignorance? Maybe they are more like two near-identical pictures on different sides of the room. Regardless, I know I need to accept God's love to see myself as I'm meant to be. 

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2nd full moon, fears

9/2

It was the full moon yesterday meaning the 2 month anniversary of Sean & I dating. We both cherish moon phases much more now, because of 1Q84 and my timing of our beginning. Though he didn't realize til I pointed it out, we had the whole afternoon to evening to enjoy it as a special day.

My therapy appointment was at 10am (which I will circle back to) then I met on a short video call with Cat about our projects, before my workout and a quick shower. I plan to visit San Diego, Oak Glen, and Santa Barbara with Sean sometime, but I figured we should choose a day when we have a morning start, so I chose Laguna Beach, with an idea of visiting Downtown Disney afterwards. We drove directly to 'Taco Loco', a place near the beach I knew Sean would enjoy. As we ate and talked, my previous memory there with Waky pained me slightly, but it faded and I felt no reason to dwell on it. We left to find a path to the water, which I did, and I soon regretted not wearing swim bottoms. For some reason I'd decided to no consider it as I got ready - probably due to having to shave which generally takes me awhile. But I was grateful for the shore anyway. Laying on his towel I sunbathed a little while Sean swam. He came back, dripping wet, and hugged me, rubbing his hair on my shirt like I was his towel, and I couldn't stop giggling. We discovered that Downtown Disney closes at 8pm, so we left early to arrive at 6pm. Apparently everyone else had the same idea - a devastatingly long line of cars were backed out the parking lot entrance. We set aside Disney plans for an earlier afternoon, and headed to a Korean restaurant in Cerritos for dinner. 

During my therapy session, we went over some questions she gave me to think about last week. It is an in depth questionnaire on my vacillator love style, how it formed in my life and how it's affecting me.

Sometimes I hate being similar to this type. It's the most confusing, confused, and annoying. It's so contradictory and everything makes me disappointed. I also find it hypocritical - while we so desperately want connection, and are distraught by those who don't give it, we do the same distancing and mistrusting as those who inhibit connection. There's got to be some good reason God formed me this way though. All I can see is how it's been with my family - my anger & distance - and how it could be with Sean. My mind has been extrapolating to the future, causing me anxiety about all my relationships, even with God. One of my greatest fears is allowing myself to be swallowed up in a life that isn't God-focused. That I become mundane and forget the miracle of God's love. Isolated and trapped in my own understanding. (as an internal processor, this has happened many times) I need God's presence, and a Christian community to get out of my head which is on constant re-loop of anxieties and fears - despite current stability and blessings. 

I had a minor wave of something in the bathroom at MOD as a mopped the floor. I just sobbed loudly for a minute, then continued mopping. Kris told me about her recent fights with her family, and her decision to move out. I'm grieved but glad she has begun a new chapter of her life away from her emotionally abusive family. She's one of the strongest people I know. She reminded me to try my hardest to mend things if possible, since she knows from experience how her own efforts, while not resulting in the connection or at least reconciliation she desired, allows her to feel free. 

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being 23

 8/16 (really 8/17)

Some people at MOD thought I was turning 24, or already 24. A couple of them guessed I was older than my age, which is quite rare. I wonder what they see as mature about me. My hope is that my words and manner are wise - but if that's so, it's not anything I take full credit for. I'm quite a weird dork sometimes and other times I can rant about my opinions and beliefs. Dawnte was expressing his desire for wealth, and of course I offered that rich people are not ever satisfied. He basically disagreed, so I decided to explain my points and source. I'd read Ecclesiastes that morning, on the chapter about wealth, so I summarized it to him. Eventually Shabar showed up and we broke off our conversation. 

8/20

While I am officially 23, I feel as though I've been this age for a few months, as if I aged the same time as Sean. There is little significance to the age in general, according to society and the lack of attention drawn towards it, yet I do know a song by 'Free Cake For Every Creature', called 'All You Have To Be When You're 23 is Yourself.' By satisfying coincidence, it came up on my radio playlist as I drove down del amo on my b-day eve. 

I intended to sleep in, but couldn't sleep deeply past 9am, then grandma Kay called anyways. She sang as usual, then we chatted and caught up for about an hour. Due to trying to keep my relationship out of most conversations, and being busy with it as well as work, I'd forgotten to call her earlier and inform her about it all. It must have been at a peak of uncertainty for me when I spoke to her last - just before the 4th of July, so it makes some sense. After our call, I skipped breakfast and did a hiit workout. I took a short rinse, put noticeable effort into my makeup, and slipped on my yellow strappy dress. It felt a little fancier than I'd anticipated, but Sean arrived to pick me up and insisted that I don't need to change. Just in case, I grabbed a flannel shirt to add a casual look, but it was oppressively hot so I didn't end up wearing it. We set out for brunch at a place in Belmont Shore called 'Saint & Second', which I've been curious about due to its popularity. Yet when we sat down with our menus, they were only serving lunch; the server said they only offered brunch on weekends. We decided upon a place about 7 minutes away, 'The Coffee Cup'. With diner-style food and plain tables, it was definitely more casual, which we agreed was actually better for brunch anyways. Both of us ordered pancakes and coffee, and discussed whether Catholics are Christians. It was fresh and cheap and filling; we dusted off practically our whole plates, and got free refills on coffee. Then we chose Seal Beach as our next location, to relax a little while, getting the edges of our clothes wet by walking in the waves. We had to go soon, since we were going to Meet Fresh with my family before his work that afternoon. Sean says the dessert there tastes like air, and my parents aren't accustomed to their taste or texture, so it was only Lydia and I who ordered, while they picked up Sharetea next door. When Sean left, I joined my family in the car to eat and open my presents.

It was still boiling outside, and we were all together for once, so we decided to walk around Target, Sean's location, as a family outing. My dad irritated me greatly. He wouldn't wear his mask properly, kept going off from us to listen to his newest audio book, and very disrespectfully pointed out a homeless, likely mentally troubled, person on the street. This put me in an off mood, yet work diverted my attention for the rest of the night. And, Siena & Manuel surprised me with cupcakes as we were closing, which brightened me up. After work I hung out with Sean some more, though we were both nearly spent, just laying there talking. 

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