blog update

5/30

I have decided to begin another blog, that I plan on sharing publicly. I will discuss the books that I am reading, and perhaps you - Kay and Cat - may want to publish articles there as well. As much as I enjoy sharing my personal journal with you all, I need to refocus my energy and time on writing things I imagine sharing more widely, that I may gain experience outside of journaling. 

I'll still post here, but less frequently.

Keep a look out for my book blog: https://taylorsreadingnotes.blogspot.com/

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on getting older

5/22

Learning requires much un-learning, a severe & clean ability to separate oneself from their past views. Any sentimentality towards the ghosts will hinder if not completely deaden any progress.

How can I long to reincarnate an earlier self and keep whatever I have learned? I can only be detached or despising of the other. I don't believe when people say they wish they were young again. What they wish for is perhaps an aspect of youth, but I doubt they want their young selves. I find those who are generally adaptable and not bitter towards growing older, calmer, wiser, often have kept the brightest part of their youthfulness with them. They have hope and malleability - with these, follows curiosity and creativity - hallmarks of a young mind. 

I digress.

Lately I am finding myself rejecting my progress, desiring to cut everything off and return to a more feeble state. It's my wish to rest in pure self-pity, excused from competing with anyone else. This sometimes pulls me to thoughts of death - not in an actual way, but a fantasy conceptual way, since it is also a perfect end, no questions asked. I am practical enough to not realistically consider it. And, I find hope still exists - hides deeper in me when I try to hunt it down, meanwhile guides me from tripping into inescapable pits. And when I do fall into a valley, hope sneaks in and pulls my hand through an exit passage, until we emerge in the daylight again. It's obviously an unequal relationship. 

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many things by, inside, outside the door

5/18

A day of various moments lost in thought, simply imagining or remembering. And, trying to fully absorb what I felt, analyzing my reactions:

Woke up from another romantic dream. Don't recall specifics, but a man had fallen for me, and I felt it, penetrating my heart.

I received a book I ordered, 'The Lover' by Marguerite Duras, in the mail. It was recommended to me by Kay. Once again, she has hit me on the mark - I'm 1/4 way through and already captured by her writing. (Sometimes she makes me unbearably jealous of this ability. She is responsible for my Murakami obsession.) I sat for an hour or so by the open kitchen window, transforming into a teenage french girl. I felt slightly cold with wind, but didn't close the window. 

The weather was strange today. I noticed the wet pavement as I ate breakfast, then later, around 11am, it began to pour. By the time I finished teaching, it was no longer raining, but still overcast, and breezy, although not that cold.

Lydia types her ideas, and here I am, beginning everything by hand. I am similar to her in obsessively reading articles (about enneagram), which has caused me to interpret our behaviours, identifying how much we match our descriptions. Perhaps finding systems is more significant to me than I have acknowledged. Realizing I'm a 4 has opened a possibility to freedom from shame over my personality - since I often consider my emotional tendencies necessary to reduce, too much for anyone. I've been telling myself most of my internal time, "Calm down, you dramatic girl. You're crazy." Also, W saw it in me, pouring out my shining eyes. He felt it in my kiss, and my silent cries, since I never shed an actual tear in front of him. I do have some rationality, that's the 5, but I am obviously swept by irrational forces. And this collection of diaries is a testament to my description. 

Now I'm just lost what else to do with this information. And what to do with my future again. Perhaps I'll continue teaching here. As I am habitually lazy, it's very likely.  As a french girl, I most appreciate small beauties, undervalued, pleasant moments. You could almost say I'm a hedonist for them - I often feel guilty for how much I seek experiences just for the romance of them.

Meanwhile, I'm dreadfully jealous of writers, trapped in lonely places, and of musicians, trapped in themselves; both, to me, seem freed and expressed through their beautiful creations. As a Christian, I am weary to trap myself, yet I face these ideas and the glowing ghosts of my role models constantly. 

Murakami is going to host a jazz/classical radio special this week, but it's only available in Japan.

I found a lizard on the doorstep. Also a letter. I had noticed a young girl with black hair passing by by desk window, so I opened the door. First I was startled by the lizard, then by the absence of the girl. Picking up both, I smiled and showed them to my siblings. 

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my dear ocean

5/14

I am currently at Signal Hill absorbing the sun and enjoying a perfectly beach-like breeze. Earlier I was at Seal Beach, since officials opened Long Beach shores for activity. We're not allowed to set up there, only run/walk/swim/surf. But I did see several people laying on their towels. They may be unaware, or I guess they could not care. Parking was limited to 1 hr, but I took my time.

It was romantic at the ocean today. While it's clear and bright, the wind whipped the waves and my hair around as I strolled along the water. The color was glassy and saturated, even clear. Gazing at the layers of blue and green, I began to cry in gratitude. I tripped along the edges, completely drunk in beauty. My feet noted the difference of sand, and how the water gradually felt warm - the initial shock of cold always wears off to a pleasant embrace. Further away from the pier, I found sand as soft as cookie dough, and a few small but intact seashells. There were wind surfers - probably about 10 of them, performing in the powerful wind. I had no idea they stayed adrift in the air so long, I'd be afraid to fly away. I watched one surfer dip, then his sail crash down, and was surprised by how quickly it caught a new current and lifted into the air again. 

Meanwhile, I was improvising singing to myself, out loud yet muffled by the wind and my mask, so I didn't feel too conscious of others hearing me. It wouldn't have mattered anyways. Most of the songs were about W, but then I told myself to find new subject matter, so I sang a love song to the ocean:

my dear ocean

please marry me

you're so strong and open

I won't mind diving

we aren't so different

salt, water, and the moon

make me your siren

I'll sing blue tunes

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result of puzzling times

5/13

I dreamed I was at a club/bar venue, and Luke R was playing there. There was a great scavenger hunt/game happening, yet this was just a side plot. I recognized Andy (though it didn't look like him) and suddenly realized he knew much more about me than I first assumed, like Moriarty. Without saying much I knew he had dangerous information about me. He was willing to give it back to me - but I had to solve another puzzle to find it. Handing me a clue, he smiled creepily, and I pathetically felt bad for ignoring him, hugged him and left. The clue was a metal bracelet with numbers, and my name, spelled backwards, impressed upon it. Though, it wasn't actually my name - the letters: POLSLUT were. As if I was some prostitute - which in my dream felt to be true. 

I began attempting to solve it right away. It lead me to a rusty old truck in my backyard, but I got stuck. I couldn't decide what the numbers meant.

Then, I resumed to the universal/main puzzle. I was still in my backyard, and an overseer (my dad was the puzzle-creator) was trying to give me some clues. Peeking out the laundry-room window, he told me something about the sky, so I kept gazing upward. Suddenly I viewed the pale moon, then many other moons, all in different phases, and arranged in a perfect grid. I lay on my back and exclaimed at how beautiful the moons were.

Then I was inside, near the small restroom. This clue was written out on stick notes, and I had to answer a question by 'typing' it in (it began to function as a computer game). The question read:

"Laura is obsessed with Birkenstock (or some shoe brand, but not like the actual one) and who loves to wear them?" I didn't know what the shoes looked like, so I had to ask Laura to show me. Her pair reminded me of Victorian lace-up boots, so I immediately thought of my friend Cat, since she has similar ones. As I tried to type it in, everything glitched and forced me to start over. I didn't mind though, since I hadn't fully solved the first clue and I wasn't too far.

I was on the shore, sorting through rocks, and noticing the odd presence of cauliflower. A lady enthusiastically came over to help me, and tried giving me hint. "Call-a-flower," she winked, "What does that make you think of? Huh?" I was at a loss. Whatever "flower" meant, it wasn't about a plant. Then she spilled it, "Flower? You know like helicopter, flower!" This made some sense to my dreaming self, and I believed that it was about a helicopter, as it was an island.

When I woke up, I googled whether flower could be another name for a helicopter. It is not.

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Franklin, any sin

5/11

As of yesterday, I have now returned a second dog back to their home while on my daily walk. I was on Myrtle in the afternoon, when I noticed a curly-hair white dog going down some porch steps, and across the street to me. There was a young boy nearby, but he was focused on setting up his segway, then he rode off down the sidewalk, oblivious to the dog. I figured it belonged to that house, so I walked up and rang the bell. Another boy, rosy and blond and around the same age, came to the door. I asked if he had a little white dog, since he's loose. He confirmed then rushed out to get 'Franklin', since his friends often had a difficult time getting him. I was worried to let a kid run out to the street and after being informed by a stranger, so I awkwardly stayed near the front, hoping to catch his parents. His dad did come out, and I explained he'd gone to catch the dog. The dad said his name was Mike (or something generic and white) and asked if he knew me. I was a mildly nervous from that question, but quickly denied and explained I walk often in the neighborhood and live nearby. He said Franklin gets out frequently, due to his kid playing out with the neighbors. I told him about Dakota, when she'd run to the Lane's or Carmen's and terrorize the cats. Meanwhile the boy was clapping and calling to Franklin, who did respond obediently, unlike my attempts. (I had tried to pet his head earlier, when he growled and went on his way.) We waved and he said thanks, then I continued on my way. 

Today I didn't interact with anyone on my walk. There are many people out though, which I have to admit kind of disturbs me, since it used to be more solitary. Yet, I'm glad to run across people's dogs, and to witness whole families biking down the street. 

Still thought about W often.

Sunday's sermon was on temptation, which convicted me deeply. I give in to various temptations easily, and especially fantasizing/lusting after W. Also, I tend to self-aggrandize and pity (as explained by my enneagram 4), or express bitterness and harshness towards my parents. It's mind-opening to know temptation can be for any sin, thing you try to justify, but know better. 

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not coyote, nor mormons, nor teenagers

5/6
Woke up with a throbbing head - which I attribute to the half of a can of IPA last night. (After MS zoom, us leaders had a little 'happy hour' time.) It grew into nausea, until I was fully hungover. Though nauseous, the only way for me to recover is to eat and drink, so I forced myself gradually and felt better near the end of breakfast. Dad unfortunately has major dizziness by unknown causes, that has not been easily relieved and has affected him all day. He wasn't able to accomplish much; I even heated up his dinner since he couldn't move around.

I took a walk in the morning, since my day was set to be full. The weather was already overbearingly bright; I wore sport shorts and my pink top and put on some sunscreen. As I reached the corner of Olive and Tehachepi, I noticed a little scruffy tan dog, possibly a chihuahua mix, making its way across the front lawns. Peering around, I didn't notice any owner, so I debated going to pick it up, when a lady walking past stopped to look. She asked in a worried voice whether it was a coyote, to which I stifled a laugh (she was serious) and calmly replied it was not, and it was probably someone nearby's dog. I came up to the dog slowly and it didn't run, so I picked it up and checked the tag. The address was just one house over. After a few firm knocks on the door I was greeted by barking, then a bald man in a white T-shirt. He said the guy working in the backyard tends to leave the back gate open, and this little guy, who is 15 years old, tends to wander around. I could tell the dog's age, and that he was used to this, so I replied - "I can tell."

Walking away, the lady and I were then in the same pace, so I struck up a conversation. I asked where she lived, and she asked me, then both agreed it was a hot day but better to walk now than later. She expressed concern about beaches opening, and I sensed she was mildly paranoid about everything. For a split second I considered sharing where I find my peace, but regretfully I felt pressed for time and did not. We split ways at Cartegena, leaving me on my own again. I remarked to myself how unusual it was, and wondered whether things might be different, like Aomame after leaving the cab. Will reality shift now?

I felt anxious through teaching, since I'd agreed to be at church by 2pm to be in a short film with Sean. For Latin 2, we didn't cover much homework, so I allowed us to play pictionary. Latin 1 did not go smoothly, and I had to leave 5 min early, yet I later emailed Brielle to allow her another day for homework.

Driving feels weird, but also nice, like stretching a muscle.

Both in button-down shirts, Luke and I rushed to church, complaining about sweating. He said we looked like Mormons, which could've been accurate, but my skirt wouldn't have qualified. My role in the film was the lead, 'Detective Willoughby Jones', and Luke was only going to be 'nervous young man'. Yet we all had to double upon roles since everyone was busy, so I was also a villain, and Luke was the villain, 'Baby Face.' Sean was filmer/director, and two other villains. It was a ridiculous script; Luke kept saying how stupid it was but he was also having fun.

At home, I did the zoom workout with Lydia, then left again over to the Sheets' house. It was Micah's birthday, so they celebrated with a drive-by celeration that turned into a front lawn spaced-out circle. By the time I arrived they were all on the lawn, and I could see how weird the gathering appeared. After some time, the circle shrunk a bit, until Kris and I were almost normal distance. We left to grab dinner at Chick-fil-A, and Sean tagged along too.

Since inside was closed, we ordered outside and sat on the curb in the scarce parking lot. It was hot like summer and I felt like a stereotypical teenager, hanging out like rebels, eating fast food. Then we walked around the empty spaces, waving at our beloved Lazy Dog and staring at the moon. Filling me with nostalgia, it was huge and bright. I told Kris about Victor's theory of gaining artistic power during full moons.

incomplete and complete

5/4
I told the guy named Eric (who I've zoom called twice now) that I am actually not ready for a relationship. It is mostly due to remaining feelings for crush and for W. Lately I've been thinking more of my crush, and imagining how we could work together. As I drove back from the Post office and while I took my walk I felt angry about the state of things, and at him.

Now I'm unsure again. I don't really know him or Eric, and no one really knows me - which is mostly due to my own habits. I always want what I can't have too.. so as soon as I push someone away, I want them more. And, I can't shake this feeling that I don't deserve fulfillment now, like I'm still unripe or something. Maybe I am.

On another note, I've completed, packaged, and shipped 3 of my CDs to Jocelyn, Kelly, & Conny. I'm so happy they supported me; working on this project really motivated me and reminded me of my RISD project abilities. It was most satisfying to stack the CDs, all in their labeled cases, and feel the weight of them which I knew contained my 8 - 9 month total efforts.