on getting older

5/22

Learning requires much un-learning, a severe & clean ability to separate oneself from their past views. Any sentimentality towards the ghosts will hinder if not completely deaden any progress.

How can I long to reincarnate an earlier self and keep whatever I have learned? I can only be detached or despising of the other. I don't believe when people say they wish they were young again. What they wish for is perhaps an aspect of youth, but I doubt they want their young selves. I find those who are generally adaptable and not bitter towards growing older, calmer, wiser, often have kept the brightest part of their youthfulness with them. They have hope and malleability - with these, follows curiosity and creativity - hallmarks of a young mind. 

I digress.

Lately I am finding myself rejecting my progress, desiring to cut everything off and return to a more feeble state. It's my wish to rest in pure self-pity, excused from competing with anyone else. This sometimes pulls me to thoughts of death - not in an actual way, but a fantasy conceptual way, since it is also a perfect end, no questions asked. I am practical enough to not realistically consider it. And, I find hope still exists - hides deeper in me when I try to hunt it down, meanwhile guides me from tripping into inescapable pits. And when I do fall into a valley, hope sneaks in and pulls my hand through an exit passage, until we emerge in the daylight again. It's obviously an unequal relationship. 

tmp