9/2
It was the full moon yesterday meaning the 2 month anniversary of Sean & I dating. We both cherish moon phases much more now, because of 1Q84 and my timing of our beginning. Though he didn't realize til I pointed it out, we had the whole afternoon to evening to enjoy it as a special day.
My therapy appointment was at 10am (which I will circle back to) then I met on a short video call with Cat about our projects, before my workout and a quick shower. I plan to visit San Diego, Oak Glen, and Santa Barbara with Sean sometime, but I figured we should choose a day when we have a morning start, so I chose Laguna Beach, with an idea of visiting Downtown Disney afterwards. We drove directly to 'Taco Loco', a place near the beach I knew Sean would enjoy. As we ate and talked, my previous memory there with Waky pained me slightly, but it faded and I felt no reason to dwell on it. We left to find a path to the water, which I did, and I soon regretted not wearing swim bottoms. For some reason I'd decided to no consider it as I got ready - probably due to having to shave which generally takes me awhile. But I was grateful for the shore anyway. Laying on his towel I sunbathed a little while Sean swam. He came back, dripping wet, and hugged me, rubbing his hair on my shirt like I was his towel, and I couldn't stop giggling. We discovered that Downtown Disney closes at 8pm, so we left early to arrive at 6pm. Apparently everyone else had the same idea - a devastatingly long line of cars were backed out the parking lot entrance. We set aside Disney plans for an earlier afternoon, and headed to a Korean restaurant in Cerritos for dinner.
During my therapy session, we went over some questions she gave me to think about last week. It is an in depth questionnaire on my vacillator love style, how it formed in my life and how it's affecting me.
Sometimes I hate being similar to this type. It's the most confusing, confused, and annoying. It's so contradictory and everything makes me disappointed. I also find it hypocritical - while we so desperately want connection, and are distraught by those who don't give it, we do the same distancing and mistrusting as those who inhibit connection. There's got to be some good reason God formed me this way though. All I can see is how it's been with my family - my anger & distance - and how it could be with Sean. My mind has been extrapolating to the future, causing me anxiety about all my relationships, even with God. One of my greatest fears is allowing myself to be swallowed up in a life that isn't God-focused. That I become mundane and forget the miracle of God's love. Isolated and trapped in my own understanding. (as an internal processor, this has happened many times) I need God's presence, and a Christian community to get out of my head which is on constant re-loop of anxieties and fears - despite current stability and blessings.
I had a minor wave of something in the bathroom at MOD as a mopped the floor. I just sobbed loudly for a minute, then continued mopping. Kris told me about her recent fights with her family, and her decision to move out. I'm grieved but glad she has begun a new chapter of her life away from her emotionally abusive family. She's one of the strongest people I know. She reminded me to try my hardest to mend things if possible, since she knows from experience how her own efforts, while not resulting in the connection or at least reconciliation she desired, allows her to feel free.
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