stir-crazy sweetheart

4/3
Going crazy since waking up this morning. I've had it in my mind that I'd go see Waky (hope he doesn't read this blog..), listening to Sputnik Sweetheart on the way. Maybe I'm bored out of my mind. I know boredom is a part of it, but I'm also very stubborn and lonely. I'm nearly running without explaining anything to anyone at this point.

I'd like to escape everything. It's one of my please-let-me-disappear moods. It's so excruciating being here. I have little work, which I have little passion for, no significant artistic progress, my family doesn't get me (might think I'm lazy), my current plan is to become a librarian so I can live a simple life, I miss my boyfriend of 3 months who I broke up with 3 months ago, I'm afraid I've screwed up my metabolism with weird eating habits, and I am habitually unable to express how I truly feel.
God is here, but lately I feel judged and punished, or that I should be swallowing it all and enduring the bitterness as a learning process. To let things be terrible and lonely and discouraging for now.

But I have to do something, besides sit and give myself a headache. Going to use some time thinking of key aspects I want in someone.

1. same core values and beliefs
2. able to slowdown/okay with my pace of life
3. able to give me space when I need it
4. curious about my art (it's too much to expect them to love it best of all art they've seen, but they should love it for how it represents me.)

Lydia talked to me today about a Socratic discussion on a trial of a person being released from prison. She gave arguments of whether to trust the person from relapsing, whether they can truly change. On the persecution, she agreed that relapse destroys all progress. I couldn't help but relate it some way to my current relapse. I argued that it didn't destroy all progress, there's still things that change. But I guess, the specific progress you were striving for is ruined.

Now I'm listening to Sputnik Sweetheart - it had been returned sooner than expected, and I'm grateful. I find it hard to enjoy any other writing besides Murakami lately. Although I would appreciate some more Salinger. In SS, I'm finding I relate terribly to both the narrator's distant view of reality and much of Sumire's pursuits and problems. Except, I don't have a Miu, or a 3am phone call friend.

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