3/25
Been about 2 weeks in quarantine mode.
There's really not much activity for me to write of. Besides Penny talking with me again. I think the isolation has equalized many of my relationships, and I also feel like I've gone back in time. I haven't seen Penny for about 2 months now, but a few days ago she sent me a text through instagram. Although I normally would put off replying, I decided to respond immediately, and I gave her my address since she insisted to write me. She is a terribly inconsistent writer, and project keeper, since she loves throwing out ideas but forgets about the process. It's very thrilling to brainstorm with her, but it's like watching an entertaining trailer that gives away the whole movie. Admittedly, I am quite similar; I have several projects always simultaneously happening, and only a few end up completed.
Anyways, I did receive her letter yesterday. I put off reading it, since Karim from Algeria video chatted me, then I had the Middle School youth group video call soon after. I didn't even have time for dinner. I called Sushi West and asked Lydia to pick up the order, while I attended the call.
My therapist had advised me to share my honest feelings and be clear about how I prefer to never pretend to be happy. I'm terrible at hiding my sadness. Yet I could only request prayer for mental health and loneliness - a generic and understandable issue.
Reading her letter greatly inspired me to make a new artist book. She retold her admiration for a book I'd done a couple years ago, including many little puzzles and poems. Then she asked about Waky. Just that day I did what is not recommended and reread all our texts, realizing that we'd messaged each other nearly everyday since we met, for a total of about 108 days. Now I am considering making a book related to this, if the feelings don't swallow me before. I had to lay on the kitchen floor tonight as I replayed a memory, his hands on my face.
3/26
I reread my journals from Jan 2019 to Dec 2019 today.
Even the poignant moments of romantic tension, though some made me feel guilty. I closed the book and found a conclusive feeling, and real shadows I'd left out of the overly brightened memories between us. It took me about 2 hours to get through it all, then my back ached so I decided to go for a walk. The weather was brisk and clear, and I felt cold even though I was wearing 3 layers of long sleeves. The wind was harsh on my face. But it was all so refreshing; it perfectly matched how relieved I felt to have dusted off the desires to see Waky again. My reasons for keeping him in my past were obvious as the sky. I also found little resentment towards all romance-related disappointment, as I was practically cleaned of feelings for my recent crush. The despair was sitting on the corners, like the clouds edging the horizon, but it remained there. I think God (more fittingly his Holy Spirit) arrived in the wind today and altered the forecast. It failed to rain as predicted at about 3pm.
Once again, I am on my own, but I have a different self. I am certain God had waited, and I had waited, to as last discover how I can learn from myself. I am reveling at how my writing has aided and transformed me, alongside this introverted time.
There is still some residue of something for my crush though, which makes sense. I shouldn't expect to feel nothing all at once. It is not as controlling though, and disturbs me at the level of a minor pet peeve.
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