lonely letter, written with rain and milk tea

3/22
Dear Waky,
I almost drove to your house today. I was in Irvine to pick up a DocuCam for my online teaching, and couldn't help but be overwhelmed by the reality that I was only a few miles away from you. After I returned to my car, I just sat in the parking lot feeling torn up and insane for wanting to see you. I needed to do something else while I was there, as an alternate activity, so I looked at Google Maps to find what's around. Many things are closed now. Originally, I wanted to get a bagel from Bruegger's (jalapeno cheddar with cream cheese) but they don't even have take out. So I opted from milk tea from Gong Cha. Not really what I associate with you, but we did get ShareTea once, on that Wednesday. And when we came back my dad asked which one we'd gone to, since we had stayed in the parking lot, kissing and talking for about an hour. (Of course, I only told my dad we'd been talking, but I'm sure he suspected things.) Anyway, I got an unsweetened oolong with grass jelly. I'm finishing it right now as I write, though I'm not really hungry.

Out my window it is raining, and this whole week and a half it's been grey and wet. Thankfully I took a walk today before the clouds huddled together, when there was an open shining sky, and an ocean breeze.

Yesterday it was very sunny, so I laid a towel down and drew a few things with colored pencils. I'd been troubled by memories of you that have been revisiting lately, so I called my friend Kris to relieve my loneliness. She could tell there was more to it and pointed out it could be because of insecurities I have yet to face. You were probably painfully aware of how insecure I am. You struggled with my indecisiveness and my valleys of self-esteem. But I struggled with your lack of empathy and your own doubts. So we were not an easy pair.

3/23
The letter (above) is accurate. He's been on my mind, and now I'm brainstorming an artist book idea to contain/express the memories. I wonder if I'm afraid to let them go. I enjoy reminiscing times with him - it was very romantic and emotionally dramatic. But I know God doesn't want me to go back. Being with him did not bring me closer to God. He would never be able to love me until he shared my views and values. I am grateful to have had that time with him, and I'll keep the vivid, movie-like scenes of us in my memory forever (or as long as I can).

This is a lonely time and I could be vulnerable to giving in if it intensifies.

Next week I'll begin teaching online, which will change things. I'm a bit nervous about it, and I hope I can set boundaries to not be constantly working.


tmp