my own patterns

3/10
I had my first open Monday since a month ago - I no longer work at the bookstore, as rush period is over. Instead, I attempted to take care of various small things, but ended up doing very little and wondering why the hours had passed. Some days sit this way. I long to be accomplishing something, and think of a list, but think too long and don't do much.
What I did do:
Woke up and regretted having an early job.
Taught Latin 1 & 2. Lucie did not show, so I didn't tutor algebra.
Latin 2 students told me I was a good teacher, after I remarked that they'd be making fun of me someday.
Did exercise.
Added to the blog.
Drove to Dana Library, to find it closed.
Planned out what to make for Kris' birthday present.
Took a walk and called Nathan to talk about visiting during my Spring break. I might drive up to him in San Jose, if I can gather the courage.
Worked on Kris' present for a few hours.
At about 8 pm, ate orange chicken my dad fixed for dinner. I would've eaten earlier, but I was so engrossed in making, which was refreshing since I hadn't experienced an art - time - jump in awhile.
My day concluded with night snacking, then laying in bed reading an article on how to handle crushes as a christian girl.

To go back in time, my Sunday may be worth recording.
I got ready for the youth service at 10 am, in good spirits and a new perspective, as I am now officially a small group leader. I wasn't need at the tech table, so I sat in and listened to Pastor Soy, who was guest speaking, consider the responses of Moses when God called on him. He first said 'Why me', then 'What if', then 'I can't'. I cannot define which I use more. In small groups, I remained silent, as I considered that I'd already passed those responses and am involving myself in serving.

After service, I went home to exercise, eat lunch, and clean the kitchen. That afternoon, I met with Leena at Bakers & Baristas, a hip place on South St with over priced macarons. I didn't get a macaron, but I did order a cappuccino, which was not cheap either. I appreciated the quality foam art and ceramic mug. Leena was having a late lunch, so I talked a bit first as she finished her toast. I explained what I do, showing her my sketchbook. We discussed relationships - she hasn't had one, but I tried to explain that the only one I'd had made me feel desperately empty. I told her I learned the hard way about rushing into an intimate relationship, how I ended it at 3 months wondering why I was still there. All the while, the coffee was already quickening my blood and I was running on some dose of happiness of hope that my current crush reciprocates my feelings. Thankfully I didn't tell her at that moment; I will soon though.

Then I holed up in the Starbucks near church, preparing the slides for teaching I'd procrastinated in doing.
I attended the 6 pm service, along with the leaders and a few people from community group. The sermon was on the 38 year invalid at the pool of Bethesda. Jesus asks him the remarkable question: "Do you want to get well?"

Do I want to get well? Do I want to be free of my mild depression? Do I want to stop being unbearably insecure? Do I want to change?

I found myself confronted by my own patterns, the parts of me that are not fully functioning but I've grown to live with. It took the breath out of me, and I cried during our closing song. Wiping away my tears, I tried to be friendly to my friends again, but felt suddenly very weak. I followed the other leaders around into Caleb's office, where they all just joked around and Kris misspelled geography. My mood did not change, and I grew lonely. They all planned on going to dinner, but I needed to save up and go to sleep early, so I quietly said goodbye and slipped out. I got into my car, then broke down into a full body cry.


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