a new chin-length plan

3/12
In a weird emotional state currently (time: 8:45am) I asked God to handle my crush feelings, and relieve me of them if it's not meant to be, and now I'm half-fearing that he is answering. My stomach is kind of nervous feeling when I think about it. There is a doubt in my mind that I've been considering - he (my admiree) has low observation skills I think, or at least, doesn't seem to care for me in particular. I'm worried that there are sides of me he'd never try to see or be interested in seeing, when I want someone who is more curious. Then again, he could be unaware of my feelings entirely, and simply see me as a friend, which could explain things. I may also abandon or alter these thoughts later. Being in conversation with him, when I finally relax, is really fun and he always makes me think or laugh. My solution to it all is just keep praying. I hope I won't get jealous, and I want to be careful of idolizing it - a little late perhaps, but I am definitely doing better than I have in the past. And I've learned about myself - I'm more expressive and witty around him. I wish I could be that way all the time. Maybe I'll get past this and keep those emphasized traits? I hope so. Keeping confidence is very difficult when I often feel misunderstood.

Sensing it will be clarified soon, either within me or by circumstance.

My hair is chin-length now. I had it cut yesterday, since I hadn't known what to do with my hair. I'd always tie it up. Although I've cut my hair several times, I think this new look defines a new period of my life.

Things are different, primarily because of how I relate to my family. I've been more compassionate towards my parents and more open with my sister. When I was dating my ex, I didn't realize how closed off it made me. Part of me believes that I kept dating him because I was trying to rebel and get away from them. Yesterday, I discussed the situation of my writing class with my dad and he seemed to understand my decision with empathy. I also found it better to talk to my mom without assuming she's thinking the worst or judging. Seems obvious, but it's a tricky thing when I have an overactive imagination and some evidence from the past.

Ever since reading Kafka on the Shore, I've been revisiting the idea of becoming a librarian, and discovered that you need a Master's in Library Science for most positions. At first, I questioned it greatly, but I researched further and found it to be practically universal, and intriguing. Being a librarian would give me a stable career, and an environment full of books, and a pace that suits me. I'll continue researching, but I imagined a plan: I could work as a library assistant, or part time somewhere, while earning my Masters online. A possible, affordable option would be San Jose State University, since there is still a difference in out-of-state vs. in-state tuition for online study.



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