lots of new stuff

two years later...

Feeling like the reverse of Billie Eilish's song for the Barbie movie. I used to fall down, now I'm just floating (around). Although not always in good ways. Trying to escape things is not new to me, but lately it's lead to taking edibles nearly every night. I think my approach to depression has been more avoidant than before - back then, I used to just dive into it, lay on the ground, and let myself feel the weight of everything. I still do this, but have resorted to other escapes, alongside feeling distant and isolated, like a lonely cloud on a stuffy summer day. 

Maybe once I'm busier I'll feel better. Currently I'm working only about 2-3 hours a day since I have 5 clients, all of whom are kids with school schedules. It's not all bad, I do like having some time to do things like playing ukulele, exercise, walking around, and other hobbies. I just have too much time (if that's possible).

Still in the process for making new friends as well, which I would like to be faster so I could have people to randomly hangout with. I did walk and talk with Sally (a girl from our church) last week which was nice. It was also somewhat shocking, since through her sharing about her family issues, we realized how similar our experiences have been. We both struggled with our mothers greatly, for nearly the same reasons. 

Being here in Idaho still feels a bit ethereal, yet also like we've lived here for years. I love all the trees, the river, and nature, and how close it is. The people are friendly, we both received jobs quickly, and our new church is wholesome. Our roots are still so new though, which makes me impatient. I also get worried about finances, as I'm not really pulling weight yet. I'm anxious to reach full time and want to jump in already. 

My job has been enjoyable and tiring. It's fun to do activities with the kids, and I'm glad I can go places with them so they can play. It's tiring because I have to remain more aware/ serious and balance that with remaining fun, so I'm neither too lenient or too strict. Also kids are just a bit crazy sometimes!

Speaking of children, Sean and I have grown increasingly more impatient to have a baby. The main concern I have is I'd like to visit PVD in the spring, and not be unsafely or extremely uncomfortably pregnant. If we start now, I'll be 7 months in March, when Sean has spring break. So maybe just a few weeks more.

tmw