2/15
I'm so emotional all the time, it's tiring. I've been crying nearly everyday, and experience waves of something I suppose is anxiety - my stomach tenses and I feel weak, and sometimes when I'm upset I feel like hyperventilating. But at the same time it's not like I can't control it. Yesterday, I was triggered when I saw myself in the mirror at Sean's place. Before then, we had just eaten Cane's for lunch (fried chicken tenders with fries and toast) and I wasn't feeling so excited about for some reason. When I was in the bathroom I noticed how my short pink top revealed my stomach as an unflattering (to my eye) kind of shape, in addition to my hugging jeans, and immediately felt gross. I couldn't bring myself to tell Sean for awhile, and rushed to work in a distressed state of mind. Yet I pulled through and didn't cry until I drove home. I sat in my car for some time just praying and reading the bible - that morning our pastor referenced Psalms 85 so looked back at it, then Psalms 86. The latter chapter spoke very directly to my thoughts and feelings, and I prayed to God for his comfort and rescue. Sean texted me and encouraged me to keep trusting the process. After I finally came inside, I made a taco and watched another video by Tabitha Farrar on committing to recovery and trusting your body. Then I felt lighter and fine with eating more, so I heated a slice of pizza and made a pb & j half.
Ultimately, my foundation is trusting my body and trusting God, trusting that he made my body capable and I don't need to worry. Even if I gain a significant amount of weight, beyond what I think is possible, God made me a specific way and if I let go everything will be fine. Even if my family makes insensitive comments and judges me for my decisions, God knows when I'm loving myself and when I'm not. And he loves me beyond comprehension, and is never disappointed, even when I am beating myself up.
That is one thing I am beginning to grasp more often. God is not disappointed in my failures, as he doesn't have hovering expectations over me that hinder his acceptance of me. It's not conditional or short lived or based on emotion, though those are ways that I often function in relationships, since I'm human.
Today I had banana choc chip pancakes for breakfast, my new favorite, then replied to the tattoo artist on instagram. I officially booked my appointment for March, and made a test drawing of the design on my chest. The placement makes sense, as it's a (nearly) symmetrical drawing, and even with a low cut shirt you could only see a star or two (which I also like). Then I watched a bunch of youtube, honestly since I began to think more about what my weight gain will be like, but in the end no one will be able to tell me clearly how much/when it will increase and decrease. Trust & patience (I'm quite impatient). The rest of the day has been equally uneventful; I took Dakota out for a walk then went to the store to get milk and cereal ( I got this sweet churros one like cinnamon toast crunch, since I was curious about it). My mom was shocked by my cereal choice I guess, yet I was thankful she made this beef-stroganoff like pasta and salad for dinner.
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