2/10
This week has been fairly positive, no breakdowns, though I have been crying often still. On Monday Amai asked me to come in around 12pm - 7pm since David couldn't work. It was Claudia & Amai most of the day, and I got to have a deep and sensitive talk with Claudia about mental health. We both relate to feeling disappointed about careers and our age. She has an unfortunate history and events in her life that caused her trauma and depression. I am glad I could listen and hopefully encourage her, she is very resilient. Towards the night Manuel and Siena were on shift, and I opened up to Siena about my ed and journey to recover. Her response was to comfort by offering at least it's not as bad as what she's seen before, at the drug & AA rehab program she was in, which wasn't so helpful to say but I easily dismissed it. I kind of anticipated her response and didn't expect any validation from her. Earlier I'd gotten a double choc chip frappucino and felt proud about that. It was delicious as is, but I added some chocolate granola I made last week and the crunch texture was amazing. For dinner I made a pizza for home, and ate the whole thing, I was so hungry. Even afterwards I could still eat. I wanted cookies, preferably biscotti, but I didn't want to bake anything, so I bought some over-priced ones at vons.
On tuesday I had therapy which went smoothly - meaning, I cried only a little and left feeling fairly stable. After meeting with Cat and Claire over zoom, I was a little off, due to thinking too much about recent job rejection and my lack of artistic accomplishment. But I didn't want that to derail me.
Honestly I can't remember what I did, probably just edit images for my newest website. I planned to eat chick fil a, so I went out on my own and ordered a grilled nugget meal for dinner. It was perfect, I finished everything except one chili sauce - I ate both chick fil a sauce packets, first with fries, then carrots, then cheddar puffs lol. Since we had pumpkin in the fridge, I decided to make pumpkin biscotti. It turned out a bit soft and not quite sweet enough, but not bad. Lydia and I laughed in the kitchen until we cried (over the idea of me, peeling and slurping an overly juicy orange in the back corner of MOD near the boxes) and watched Tangled just because.
Today has been slow/strangely boring. I considered getting my tattoo done by a lady nearby on Atlantic, but ultimately didn't trust her level of artistic skill. I contacted another person at autumn moon tattoo and they responded, so hopefully I can have it done soon. The design is one of my new bible drawings, and I've liked it long enough that it's likely I won't tire of it.
On a side note, I'm interested in learning stick & poke, as my art style would suit tattoo work and I'm curious about it as a hobby. Also, I often draw little things on myself, so I could be used to it.
I added to my blog, did some yoga, took Axel for a walk, and went to the store. I'd wanted to see Sean today but he is occupied with homework and I don't want to distract him. Overall, it's been a bit dull today and hard in the way that I have to sit with my hunger, and retrain myself in non-busy times to respond to it. Even now, I find ways to occupy myself so I don't have to eat and I could be doing a better job at letting go, giving myself permission.
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