all over the place

(update posts on my all-in journey:)

1/24
It's been so hard the past few days to mute/shut up the ed voices and push past the anxiety of eating anything.
I made the mistake of checking my weight two mornings ago to find I'd gone up 8 lbs in one week. It was horrifying, despite several websites explaining that most of it is water & food weight. My body felt uncontrollable and I could not begin my day as usual, instead I stood in the shower for nearly an hour crying bitterly. 

1/28
The nausea and soreness are back - I did some yoga last night, and also binged on the mini birthday cakes I made two days ago. One is frosted with a blue swiss meringue buttercream, the second with pink cream cheese. I'm pleased with the results, in flavor and appearance. 
I was a bit depressed and having some late night snacks when I found myself devouring slices of cake. I finished 3 slices, even after having a pb & j. A new doubt has been problematic for me -that I'm just wanting these high sugar & fat foods for their instant joy, that emotional eating exists, that I'm gluttonous. According to Tabitha Farrar, emotional eating doesn't exist, and you should respond to your every hunger signal. But what about sugar addiction? (edit: I researched, and discovered these overpowering sugary/fatty food cravings are quite common during recovery, and I'm not destined to be addicted to them forever.) Is this simply another version of my fear of weight gain? 
Probably. I'll likely 'overshoot'. And honestly I have not been fully going all in - I still question my cravings and am still overwhelmed by shame from eating/not exercising.
After some research, I realized the sin of gluttony is not as portrayed - it's not simply eating a bunch/being overweight/enjoying fattening foods. It's more about hoarding food when you could be generous to others who have less. It could also take shape as spending an unreasonable amount of time/money thinking about or preparing or buying your food when you could be more open-handed with your resources. I'd even claim having a restrictive disorder could be considered gluttonous, as it often causes you to be unreasonable around food (and money too). 

2/2
I relapsed a bit this day. 
After sunday service, I was knocked down a bit, since I felt socially awkward and disturbed by my feelings of disappointment around my friendships. When I got home, my mom expressed her own disappointment in me, which resulted in anger and guilt and frustration. The quickest way I could think of escaping everything was by running, so I ran my usual route to Dana, about 3-4 miles, numbing myself with pain and music. I still came back to all the same emotions, but work was busy, so  continued pushing it away. For my break I made a salad but planned to get chick fil a later. I forgot it was sunday, so I opted for In n Out instead, and ordered a burger-fry-diet coke combo, almost buying a shake as well. After I finished my burger I was still considering a shake, so I drove next door to jack in the box and bought an oreo shake to dip the rest of my fries in. I winced at the 800 cal label, but ordered it anyways, and ate half of it fairly quickly before all my emotions hit me at once. 
I felt disgusting and insane - I yelled, cried, and feared going home but also feared staying out too late. When I got home I took a long hot bath while watching youtube and listening to music. I got to bed but woke up 2 hours later to an oppressive headache and had to take painkiller. 

2/6
The beginning of the past week was pretty rough, and I didn't want to socialize much. My mom noticed and asked if I was ok but it all felt too messy and depressing and she was the last person I wanted to vent to. I must giver her credit - she had been kinder & more attentive, not judgmental, of my mood dips. I think she may relate to them. 
On thursday, I felt better. Like my problems are real and I can face them by really owning this all in method. After all, I don't want quasi recovery anymore. I've been there for too long, and it's a dim and dangerous place. My fear of weight gain is still there, but the only way is for me to face it, go through it, and discover the other side. It's scary but also exciting with the unknown. I don't think my body has had full freedom since I was 14. I'm optimistic to believe I'll be a clearer picture of me, comfortably.

Lately, as I pray I sit and reach into myself and find the damaged pit of my core worth, and lift it up to God. There's no use in pretending it's all better, and I don't have to overthink my prayers or feel like I'm letting him down later in the day when I'm feeling weak. 
I'm eating more and not entirely guilt free or anxiety free, but the voice has gotten quieter, and that's ok. The fear may come in another wave again, but for now I'm building myself up and reminding myself to pray and access through it all. 

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