1/7/20
Currently not in the most positive mood to begin my first journal of the year. Yet I want to list out what I've done today, and maybe I'll feel more grateful.
9am - woke up, made breakfast
10am - stayed on phone, used bumble
11am - graded latin quizzes
12:30pm - checked on Seymour (my pet snake), wouldn't eat and was acting weird. Texted Betsy and concluded that he's sick.
1pm - had lunch
2pm - took Seymour to PetSmart. They had to return him so he could go to the vet.
3pm - I laid on my bed and video chatted Kay for a bit. She was cooking with Hannah and Steph, and enjoying Hannah's cat Baby. Kay seems to be doing well - she also broke up recently but she wasn't too attached and is healthy-minded when it comes to relationships. I told her about the snake and a recent relapse of feelings for ex I'd been having. She restated to me that it seemed like relapse and I needed more time. It's been 3.5 weeks.
4:30pm - got up to take a walk, although I was feeling quite depressed. I was anxious to go outside before dark.
The clouds were streaks of pink that gradually became more saturated as I walked. I saw 3 people walking their dogs. The moon is not quite full but still bright. As it became dusk, I heard a razor saw sound and imagined the sun was cutting into the horizon.
5pm - I arrived home. Dad was out but Luke was in the kitchen. He was making hot chocolate, and I made a cup of coffee and ate half an apple. I think I went on my phone for a bit. Then I prepared falafel mix for dinner.
5:30pm - texted Karen and drew on my journal cover while waiting for the mix to soak. Karen told me her mom suggested setting me up with her brother, who is about to be 22 and graduating this June. Despite how it may have been awkward, I asked what his strengths and weaknesses are. She gave a full description. Honestly, he kind of sounds like a mixture of Karen's and my personality, plus musical talent. He sounds nice I guess, and it would be interesting (or, a disaster) to date a close friend's brother, but he's currently in -- so I'd have to wait till June or whenever he visits. She asked him about it and he said 'No long distance, thanks.'
6:30pm - fried the falafel and steamed broccoli and made a salad. We didn't have any pita bread so we ate it salad-style. Just Lydia and I - mom and dad went out for dinner and Luke wasn't hungry.
Spent a lot of time on my phone wondering whether to make dessert. I got lost on pinterest, but eventually decided to make a chocolate mug cake and maybe banana nice cream later. At first I was considering making macarons, but I forgot you have to 'age' the egg whites, and I wasn't feeling up to doing much fancy stuff.
8:30pm - took a shower. A bunch of my hair kept getting in my hands. I stuck it in a wad on the wall.
After that entry, I thought it was enough. But I will continue, in parallel to the book I just finished, 'After Dark', by Murakami.
9pm - wrote in my journal all information previous.
10pm - went to the kitchen to make a chocolate mug cake. It was a lower calorie one; the ingredients were as follows: 1 Tbl flour, 3 Tbl cocoa powder, 1 tsp brown sugar, pinch salt, 1/8 tsp baking soda, 1/2 tsp vanilla, 1 Tbl mashed banana, 1 tsp melted butter, 1 egg white, and 3 Tbl soy milk. I mixed and cooked it in a clear glass mug. It turned out quite bitter and eggy, but I sprinkled some chocolate chips and added some whipped cream, and enjoyed it very much. I ate it while reading 'After Dark.'
11pm - I returned to the kitchen to cut an apple and toast the remainder of a cinnamon bagel. Then I continued reading.
12:30pm - I finished the book but wanted to stay up to watch a film. I had it in my mind that I'd stay up til 3am ( a half-attempt at one of my to-do list items, staying up all night, plus inspiration from Mari) I chose a thriller called "The Talented Mr. Ripley", since I didn't want something that would put me to sleep.
1am - I wandered back to the fridge to fix open face ham-lettuce-mayo sandwiches, with a glass of soy milk. I felt like my grandma or a movie character from the 50's, and delicately ate the sandwiches while watching Matt Damon and Gwenyth Paltrow.
2am - Matt Damon bloodily killed Dickie. I covered my face and took off my headphones as he bashed his face with an oar, in a little boat off the coast of Italy. I decided I didn't really want to watch how Tom would take over Dickie's life with his uncanny imitation skills. The last scene of his profusely bleeding face had curbed my desire to watch something exciting. But I couldn't imagine sleeping anymore, so I opened Youtube and began a train of 'Psych2Go' videos about 'signs you weren't in love', 'habits making you unhappy', 'types of love', 'attractive habite', and more that I impulsively clicked on.
3:30am - for a change of scene, I watched a buzzfeed video with Rie, with a CSH track in the background. Then for my final video I chose a 'Pastry Chef makes', on poptarts. I've never super like poptarts, besides the brown sugar one when I was little, but Claire's gourmet version made me crave it. Perhaps I'll try to make them myself.
4am - I stared at the computer screen for a bit, then I heard footsteps, and realized whoever's up will see the lamp still on. And come in and ask why I'm still awake. My dad came in and did pretty much that. But I explained I couldn't sleep, and he just laid down on the couch and chatted with me for a little while. I told him about Tom Ripley, and he said he woke up really sweaty, so he came out to the living room to cool down. He also told me about his dream, then brought up times when he lived in Santa Monica. I didn't feel that sleepy, but I didn't have much to say, so I said goodnight and went to bed. I took my journal with me. While there was not much to do, I felt like I'd made it this far. Perhaps I could still make it all night. Silly reason to stay up though.
5am - It is nearing this time currently. Perhaps I'll write a poem, or actually try sleeping. Normally, I have an easy time at it; I think I'm almost actively fighting against my healthy habits. What am I trying to prove? Maybe this is another cigarette action. I'll have to completely recalibrate myself soon though, with latin teaching coming up on Monday. Another final thought - I believe it is related to 'against typical judgement/messy fun' things that I miss from ex. And proving that I can do them alone too. I feel more strong in personality when I do these things.
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