reclarifying, new habits

1/12
It is Sunday, and today's service (and set mood for the remainder of my day) was on testing, along with motives behind our goals. God spoke strongly to me about reclarifying my motives behind serving, and in all my work. During the closing song, I began to cry more fully (I'd started a bit earlier, but stopped) when I was realizing how this whole terribly lonesome and confusing period of my life is just a test. And, how it's been silly of me to belittle God's abilities. I might have been unnaturally emotional, but many things resonated deeply with my current concerns. Afterwards, I spoke to Pastor Caleb about being involved in youth ministry. He told me he didn't want me to be a small group leader until my future with grad school was decided, which I first thought was misguided, since school starts several months from now (and the whole idea still feels very distant from now). But it made sense - it would be discouraging, or at least difficult, for the kids to become attached to someone who suddenly leaves across the country before a year is through. So I asked if there were other ways I could help, and he said with audio. I'd love to learn more about audio & tech, with my increasing curiosity about music creation, so I easily said yes. Sometime this week, I'd learn from the lady who runs sound and display, then I could work on Tuesday (and maybe Wednesday too) nights. He also told me that most of the leaders attend the 6pm service, to which I again said I'd join, since I could being my sister as well.
As I was driving home, I listened to Sufjan Stevens (seven swans) and cried joyfully. I felt like I was having an out-of-body moment, and witnessing a hopeful thread of God's presence. I know my problems are just what I asked for, and ultimately refining me for something.
Tomorrow, I am planning on starting a 21-day fast along with my church. I decided I'd still eat something, as I'd probably get sick (or at least, my parents would be for me) if I got any thinner. And I'd go without Netflix/TV/Youtube. Instead of breakfast, I will have tea and read the Bible and pray. I used to do daily devotional before working so early, so I think this would be a good way to bring back my habit. Perhaps I'll stop having breakfast entirely - I could do this only if I can enjoy breakfast foods at some point, as they are my favorite.