strange sunday

1/27
Yesterday (1/26) resulted in quite a bit of mood variation.
I woke up and worked until 12pm on prepping for the writing course, then went out for a run. It was dismally overcast and not ideal running weather, but not the worst either. For about 30 minutes I ran, going all the way to Atlantic then crossing and turning onto Linden. I'd never run in that area before, and briefly felt anxious about possibly coming across people from Grace (our old-old church). Also I remembered that the Smittles live nearby, and recalled the days when Claire and I would walk to the donut shop down the street. Most of the time though, as I sped past neighborhoods and people leaving churches, I felt ecstatic. I listened to Owl City and praised God. At home, I cooled down, ate lunch, then planned to read at Cerritos Library. They close at 5pm on Sundays, so I decided to try a coffee place before church at 6pm.

By 3:30pm, I arrived at the library. The sliding doors opened and I was immediately drawn to the arch on the right, with READING ROOM written on it, framing a cozy yet open area with chandeliers, wooden furniture, and carpeting. I entered and peered around, pulling out a couple of beautifully designed covers, observing the other visitors, and searching for the right seat. It was mildly crowded, so I had to choose a chair on the side, yet I enjoyed my spot. If I leaned back I could look directly at this old man sitting on the other side a book stack. A better spot would be a pillow or ledge inside the cubby area with special editions, yet it's also somewhat dim in there. I remained glued to my book for about an hour. When I looked up my eyes felt a little dizzy. Once again, I'm glad I chose to read my current story, Kafka, at a stunning library, as the main character spends very much of his time in one, and ends up working there. Perhaps I should try working at Cerritos Library. It's miles better than little Dana on Atlantic - not that I'm ungrateful for it, afterall, I've gotten most of my books there and the staff are nice. It simply lacks any atmosphere. By 4:40 I headed to a popular coffee place I was curious about, yet it was overly crowded. There was little space, and just looking inside made me anxious. So I redirected to a nearby Starbucks on South st. It was also pretty packed, but I felt comfortable at a shared table, since I still had a good amount of room. I ordered a tall hot coffee, waited some time to have milk added to it, then pulled out my book and an apple I'd brought. I slowly ate it with my coffee as I settled back into the story.

The first turn came when I checked the time, and noticed an email from FB telling me that my ex had at last accepted my friend request I'd sent months before. This was quite distracting, and accompanied by an intense chapter from the perspective of an old lady's letter on her unusually sexually charged dream, leaving me feeling a little unstable. Then in the following chapter, the main character has an odd sexual interaction with the girl Sakura, and I felt like his whole response to the situation reminded me of my ex. At around 5:45, I left to my car feeling off and distraught. I cried a bit as I listened to the christian radio, which was telling me to 'dry my tears' and 'step into the new' and wave goodbye. When I got to church I had calmed down. I spotted Sean, Leo, Micah, and a high schooler, and joined them. We talked about Kobe Bryant, then books, Lord of the Flies, and a dream Sean had. In service, it felt very different to be next to them instead of family, or just myself. It was somewhat distracting, but I tried to focus on the lyrics and singing intentionally. The sermon was very powerful - Jack was passionately preaching that there is an enemy, and that we can find strength in the name and power of Jesus. I took illustrated notes, as usual, but I think this also took a bit of my attention. Overall, I could only see my problems as small and not as serious/overwhelming as they could be, and wondered whether this was preparing me for something.

Afterwards, I stood (not able to talk much) with Leo and Caleb and 2 students outside, experiencing how awkward I am and beginning to have a stomach ache. I left a little later, bothered that Caleb didn't seem to want to talk to me. It's been difficult to feel included and liked. Leo and Sean have been welcoming, which is nice. Kris and Jezy are receptive as well. In groups though, I think it's tough for them to see how disconnected I feel. I'm not sure I want to tell them either, since it may improve naturally as I am around them more, and I don't want them to feel obligated.

Anyways, I drove away emotionally and physically in pain. I stopped to get the cheap Arco gas and the guy at the register said "only if you smile," when I asked for $20 worth of gas. I did, and laughed a bit, since I probably looked very upset as I waited in line. While I struggled with filling my car, some young guy in an SUV leaned out and got my attention. Initially I thought he was going to say something about how poor of a job I was having with the gas nozzle, but instead he said, "I think you're really pretty. Just wanted to let you know..." I blushed and thanked him, then got in my car and cried. I cried out to the Lord, asking him what he was trying to tell me. Why are strangers sometimes kinder than friends?

My stomach ache escalated, and I hypothesized it was due to finishing a cup of full-caff coffee, with little food before hand. I am as sensitive to caffeine as I am alcohol, apparently. It was excruciating and nauseating, but after 2 pain killers, some oatmeal, and an acid reducer, it subsided. Then disappeared completely, as if it never happened, and I ate a bunch of snacks, relieved to feel normal again.

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