more on seymour

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Realized another poetic parallel from last week. Or, an unfortunate coordination I guess.
When I got my pet snake, I was messaging this guy on bumble named Benjo. We'd been talking about J.D. Salinger recently, and he said he loved 'Catcher in the Rye'. I was very exciting to be talking with someone who was enthusiastic about my interests (especially so, since ex never really was). Anyway, he asked what I'd name him and I said 'Seymour.' A name I'd chosen from 'Franny & Zooey', and 'A Perfect Day for Bananafish', both by Salinger. (who by the was, happens to be reappearing in my life frequently now. Perhaps it's the white honda effect.) He said he loved the name, personally.

In a few days, I asked Benjo if he'd like to go for a coffee or something that weekend or the upcoming week. He said he'd be away the weekend, but would let me know about during the week. We chatted for perhaps a day more, when he ceased to respond, and never let me know.

A few days later, I took Seymour out to try to feed him and there was something terribly wrong with him. He kept twisting around, and stopped sticking out his tongue. I immediately knew he didn't have long, and began to cry. After collecting myself, I solemnly took him to PetSmart so they could send him to the vet. I was not very hopeful, but gave them my contact so they could tell me if he improved. The next afternoon, they did call me, but to say he'd passed before they could help him.

Short-lived, false starts to begin the year. Strange, I felt so happy the first day, like everything was moving several times faster than usual, then suddenly the scene changed, and it's at a normal pace, but seems to drag in comparison.

I am adjusted now though, for the most part. I have strong pangs of loneliness, but try to remember all the people I still have in my life, and how grateful I am for them. (things I miss: someone to talk to about my darkest secrets, someone to hold and kiss, someone to eat at restaurants with, someone to sing songs about, someone to share books with. things I don't miss: driving and feeling utterly depressed, feeling terribly uncertain constantly, feeling alone in my sea of emotions, feeling disconnected from everyone, feeling guilty. Obviously, not all these things are gone/unable to come back.)

Right now I am struggling with energy deficiency from my fast. It's making me dizzy, tired, and sometimes sad. I calculated that I shouldn't loose to much weight from this, and I plan on working at regaining afterwards. Unless, it does become an actual health problem. Asking the Lord to guide me with that. Perhaps it's best if I only skip breakfast, and eat like usual - yet, I do know this is supposed to be a challenge. My dad approached with a look of serious worry, and told me he'd rather I not do it, since I'm already thin. It's difficult for me to ignore people's advice, and has lead me to debating what's best.

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